“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” (Victor Frankl)
A lot has happened since I embarked on this journey to explore, experience, and express kindness. January of 2015 might as well be another era—and maybe even another planet—given how much the world has changed. When my year of living kindly started, the 2016 presidential campaign was embryonic. There were few candidates and they had yet to commence behaving like spoiled children and slinging mud or lies. Societal expressions of bullying and bigotry—while always present—had yet to become a badge of honor, proof of manliness, and source of pride for so many.
By the end of 2015, denigration, name-calling, and lies for the sake of expedience were rampant. My feeble attempt to shine a light on kindness was no match for incendiary politics or blatant socio-economic oppression. But the need for kindness was greater than ever and I saw that living kindly was not something one does for a year and moves on (“How about a year of learning to vacuum and close cupboard doors,” my husband suggested hopefully, knowing all the while that I could grasp neither concept). Living kindly was both path and destination, so one year stretched to two, and now two-and-a-half.
I’m called to revisit earlier explorations—to see if two years later I see things any differently. What did I get right, what did I miss?
The Power of the Pause
For me, one of the biggest lessons of kindness was the power of the pause. Recognizing that a knee-jerk response to perceived slights or bad behavior is neither necessary nor wise was a life-changing insight. Such impulsive reactions are not always an expression of my best self. A pause gives me an opportunity to consider:
- Did that person mean for their words to come out this way? Might there be a kinder interpretation?
- Even if their words were intended to hurt or belittle, why must I react in kind? Is my aim to create more conflict or improve the situation?
- If I say something snarky, will I feel good about it later?
- What is the kind response here?
- Is a response even needed or is silence golden?
- Why am I reacting as I am?
Pausing is a lesson I learned, but also one that continues to challenge me. Since last November’s election, I have needed to relearn—and re-examine—the pause. When I am provoked, I endeavor to pause; sometimes I stay silent and sometimes I speak my heart. There are still occasions when I mutter phrases like “incredible moron” or “clueless Neanderthal,” but I say them privately or to the television. I try to weigh whether or not my response to someone’s political commentary will move the needle—and in which direction. Pausing is a lesson politicians and pundits would do well to learn.
Since learning to pause, I find I am much quieter overall. I don’t need to be right—or righteous—and I don’t need to point out someone else’s foibles. If my husband leaves the lights on right after chiding me for doing the same, I turn the lights off without comment (okay, maybe not every time!). The more I choose to be silent, the easier it is to choose silence. Ultimately, the pause leads me toward peace.
What I learned about pausing two years ago remains true, and the connection between pausing and kindness is unmistakable. In fact, the pause is even more essential to kindness than I originally thought.
I have come to see even more benefits from the simple pause. In addition to forestalling reflexive reactions and allowing me to choose the kind response, the pause is one of the best strategies I have found for self-care. Recognizing when I need to experience quiet or take a few deep breaths—and then doing so—is an ultimate act of kindness to self. And kindness must begin with self.
A pause offers a moment to experience gratitude, to feel joy, to appreciate beauty, to recognize kindness.
In today’s world, every day brings something to be angry or frustrated about: political corruption, injustice, discrimination, the ever-widening gap between those with privilege and those without, threats to our environment, and the acceptance and proliferation of incivility. There are letters to be written, calls to be made, petitions to be signed, conversations to be initiated, and waters to be tested.
The issues that anger me and push all my buttons may not be the ones that rile you. But for each of us there are provocations that elicit our anger and trigger our activism. Thank goodness for that. Yet we also need to recognize when our responses are damaging to our spirits, our bodies, our psyches, or our relationships. As much as we need to be active and vigilant—now more than ever—we also need to give ourselves permission to rest, to say no . . . to pause. And we need to be able to claim that pause for ourselves without guilt or self-reproach.
Whether we are responding to outer stimuli or to inner angst, the ultimate expression of kindness may start with a pause . . . or end with a pause. A pause is not an empty space. It’s a space that is rich with potential. It’s where we choose who we will be and how we will live.
“Human freedom involves our capacity to pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.” (Rollo May)
Very nice post, Donna and an important point to remember. The daily recitation of political dysfunction wears away at our will and I’m learning that it is necessary to conserve energy and time for the things that are critical – and the importance of figuring out what those things are.
Last night, on our way to a concert, we drove past a makeshift memorial for Philando Castile. It was a bit of a jolt, as the onslaught of constant bad news numbs us to the realities on the ground and the human suffering involved. It was a reminder that some stories are more important than others.
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So true, Michelle, we need to recognize where it’s important to exert our energy and where we need to let go. It’s not always easy and made more difficult by the fact that we see so many people who want to swing at every pitch (can’t believe I just used a baseball metaphor, but it fits). Thanks for commenting.
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Donna – thank you for this. The “pause” is something that I most certainly want to cultivate. I am going to print out your bullet list and reflect on it carefully.
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Thanks, Maggie, for sharing your intention. I promise you it gets easier with practice. Happy pausing!
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I must add that your lists deeply resonates with me – I’ve asked myself all of these questions at one time or another, especially after heated exchanges with my hubby.
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Ah, I think it’s hardest with spouses. I think perhaps we realize subliminally that they still love us no matter how horrid we may be, so we forget to try as hard as we should (speaking just for me, of course!).
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Oh, Donna, you are speaking for me too!
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Yes, Donna! This post is everything. I’m sharing. I’ve just learned that too. There is power in the pause.
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So much power in such a little thing … you are so right, Tikeetha! Thanks so much for your comment.
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Thank you for your insightful post, and for creating a guideline for putting the pause into practice. It is tempting to react or respond instantly, but I can see many benefits of pausing and your last point about thinking why we react the way we do is making me think a little deeper about my responses to some recent frustrations. Thank you 😊
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I’m so glad the post resonated for you! Thank you for such a lovely comment.
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Such a simple concept, yet so difficult to do. I’m pretty sure we could all benefit from the installation of a PAUSE button in our brain. I really loved the Victor Frankl quote… so true.
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They seem to be creating technology for everything. Why not a human pause button? We’d need to be sure people could only push their own … and maybe their spouse’s in special circumstances… Thanks, Janis!
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Wise and thoughtful words, as always, Donna. And the Rollo May quote is a perfect capper.
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Thanks, Mitch!
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great! love it!!!
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So glad you liked it … thanks for commenting!
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Those few seconds are *crucial* to emotional health. Counting to 3..or 5…or 20! is no joke!
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You are so right! I can remember my mother telling me to count to 10 before responding if I was angry. Of course, I ignored her—what do mothers know? Thanks for commenting … and welcome!
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😊😊😊
Lol, they know nothing! 🤣. It always just made me angrier…now I know though. OH how I know!
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