“It’s all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. The magic in this world seem to work in whispers and small kindnesses.” ~Charles de Lint

In our review of the skills we carry in our kindness toolbox, let’s look at a couple more.

Paying Attention

An essential skill of kindness is paying attention, being present to what’s happening around us. Not being so absorbed in our devices or our own internal drama that we don’t notice the car trying to merge, the person whose hands are full whom we could hold the door for, or a child in distress seeking our attention.

Beyond noticing our opportunities to extend kindness, it’s also being present to receive the kindnesses others offer us. At the library recently, I saw a man wait to hold a door for a woman who was a few steps behind him. She didn’t even look up from her phone, just walked through the open door into the library without a word. I’m sure he held the door because he wanted to be courteous and considerate; he didn’t do it to be thanked. And let’s give her the benefit of the doubt: she probably wasn’t being deliberately rude; it’s likely she didn’t even notice him, so occupied was she by her device. But what an opportunity missed. At least three people could have felt the endorphins created by kindness: he, the giver; she, the receiver; and I, a witness. Each of us would have had a burst of pleasure over something so small as the courtesy of a held door.

I’m not going to get on a soapbox about all the things people miss because they’re addicted to their phones. It’s a choice. When people realize how much actual life they’re missing, they’ll modify their habits.

It’s not just our devices that deter us from noticing kindness opportunities. We can be just as absorbed in the dramas we manufacture internally: replaying the fight we had with our kid, reliving an embarrassing moment from high school, imagining a future interaction with a client. It’s easy to miss what’s happening around us now, and how our unique kindness may be needed, when we’re continually focused on the past or the future. Being present allows us to both give and receive more kindness.

Gratitude

Another kindness skill is gratitude. Even in challenging times and the most difficult circumstances, we can always find something to be grateful for. Birdsong, honeysuckle blooms, a good cup of coffee, a well-told joke, a pain-free minute…. Gratitude is one of those things that we find as soon as we start looking for it. There’s a lifetime supply, and the more we use it, the more there will be.

Gratitude gives us perspective. It moves me to shrug off the driver who cuts me off in traffic, the sharp words of a clearly frazzled salesclerk, or the inconsiderate action of my neighbor. I see those things for the minor inconveniences that they are. It goes even further and trounces negative emotions. It’s difficult to be angry, fearful, or resentful when one is in the thrall of gratitude. In the face of horrific events, gratitude cannot wipe out fear, grief, or anger, but it can remind us that there is also good in the world, and it can give us hope and confidence that goodness will prevail. Gratitude helps us recover from the worst things that befall us. It gives us resilience.

Gratitude also opens us to abundance. Noticing how much there is to be thankful for, and recognizing how much we have, we shed the need to acquire more. We see that we have enough and we are enough. A life-changing lesson.

Gratitude can make us activists. If we are grateful for the natural world surrounding us—the mountains, rivers, trees, and animals—we want to protect and preserve them. We stand up to those who would harm or destroy them. We choose to be stewards for the planet and proxies for future generations. Gratitude puts us in service to life. Surely that is kindness in action.

If you google “gratitude practices,” you will find countless systems or rituals that people have devised to recognize and express gratitude. One will likely appeal to you. Or come up with your own—the simpler the better. Who you thank or how you thank isn’t as important as recognizing how much we have to be thankful for. Often, all it takes is slowing down and paying attention.

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” ~Meister Eckhart

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