Tag Archives: Kindness

How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

Posted on by

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” ~Dalai Lama

Year of Living Kindly cover for FrankfurtPlease indulge me while I gape at the mind-boggling fact that my book turns five today. Born out of this blog, it continues to find new readers and, I hope, inspire kindness.

Many of you have been part of this community since the YOLK blog started in 2015. Your interaction and encouragement spurred me to attempt to turn my ideas into a book. I am so grateful.

No one is more surprised than I by its success. Like the little engine that could, it continues to chug along. It is now in its 9th printing, with three foreign language editions out (take a gander at the covers below!) and two more currently in production. It’s been honored with more than a dozen literary awards.

Most important, it’s touching lives. I often hear from readers who tell me YOLK inspired them to extend a kindness or withhold a snarky comment, or that they more readily recognize the kindnesses all around them. I can think of nothing more satisfying.

I wish I could claim that nine years of studying, writing, and speaking about kindness have made me a paragon of compassion, patience, and understanding. But no, I’m still learning. There are still times when I’m bitchy, cranky, and oblivious, but those occurrences are less frequent. I think I am kinder, and I am so much more aware of kindness all around me. I’ve seen also that there is a direct connection between kindness and happiness. Continue reading →

A Time of Reflection

Posted on by

“When you change the way you see people, your experience of people changes.” ~Nic Askew

DSCN3372This time of year makes me contemplative, and perhaps this year more so than ever: summer giving way to fall, another year speeding toward its conclusion, a pandemic that continually asserts its presence, and a sense that so many big things hang in the balance—democracy, planetary survival, even civility. While these are all issues I can take action on, I must also acknowledge that my individual efforts likely have little effect on the outcome. It doesn’t help that as I write this, the air in Seattle is heavy with smoke from wildfires in the central and eastern parts of our state, and from fires ravaging our northern neighbor, British Columbia.

So, I seek what others have to teach me. I search my bookshelves and even the internet to see how people wiser than I are navigating these unsettled times. This week, I found comfort, inspiration, and a few chuckles in a New York Times article on Matthieu Ricard, the Buddhist monk, author, and humanitarian who is often referred to as “the world’s happiest man” (this title was bestowed as a result of his brain’s chart-topping production of gamma waves). Ricard is also a close ally of the Dalai Lama and was for many years his French interpreter.

The article, “The ‘World’s Happiest Man’ Shares His Three Rules for Life,”* held some surprises. While Ricard says, “I cannot imagine feeling hate or wanting someone to suffer,” he also acknowledges that Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad are “the scum of humanity.” And he recognizes the cruelty, indifference, and greed of Donald Trump. In fact, he goes so far as to say these men “are walking psychopaths, … they have no heart.” Continue reading →

The Power of Presence

Posted on by

butterfly from somewhere else“It’s all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. The magic in this world seem to work in whispers and small kindnesses.” ~Charles de Lint

In our review of the skills we carry in our kindness toolbox, let’s look at a couple more.

Paying Attention

An essential skill of kindness is paying attention, being present to what’s happening around us. Not being so absorbed in our devices or our own internal drama that we don’t notice the car trying to merge, the person whose hands are full whom we could hold the door for, or a child in distress seeking our attention.

Beyond noticing our opportunities to extend kindness, it’s also being present to receive the kindnesses others offer us. At the library recently, I saw a man wait to hold a door for a woman who was a few steps behind him. She didn’t even look up from her phone, just walked through the open door into the library without a word. I’m sure he held the door because he wanted to be courteous and considerate; he didn’t do it to be thanked. And let’s give her the benefit of the doubt: she probably wasn’t being deliberately rude; it’s likely she didn’t even notice him, so occupied was she by her device. But what an opportunity missed. At least three people could have felt the endorphins created by kindness: he, the giver; she, the receiver; and I, a witness. Each of us would have had a burst of pleasure over something so small as the courtesy of a held door.

I’m not going to get on a soapbox about all the things people miss because they’re addicted to their phones. It’s a choice. When people realize how much actual life they’re missing, they’ll modify their habits.

It’s not just our devices that deter us from noticing kindness opportunities. We can be just as absorbed in the dramas we manufacture internally: Continue reading →

Withholding Judgment Puts Us on the Path to Kindness

Posted on by

“We do not actually know other people; we only know our judgments.” ~Bryant McGill

pink lupine 2 5-23Last time, in our review of kindness essentials, we talked about one of the most important kindness skills: learning to pause before reacting or responding. Today, let’s explore a couple of complementary skills, things we can do (or not do) in that all-important pause.

When was the last time you made a judgment about somebody? For me, it was about an hour ago, at the supermarket. I try not to, but sometimes, when somebody appears to be entirely clueless, unaware that they’re sharing crowded spaces with other people, I find myself making assumptions about them. I’m getting better, but I still do it occasionally.

I don’t know if it’s natural instinct or habit, but we humans are quick to judge. Social scientists say that we make judgments about people within about five seconds of encountering them. That means we’re not basing our judgments on a lot of evidence. We often judge people for the way they look, or talk, or dress. When someone changes lanes in front of us without signaling, we decide they’re a careless driver, and a jerk. When someone blocks our way in the dill pickle aisle at Kroger’s and then glares at us when we try to pass, we label them inconsiderate and selfish. When someone makes an ill-chosen comment, we decide that they’re ignorant, bigoted, and surely the enemy. Continue reading →

A Pause Gives Us the Gift of Grace

Posted on by

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Victor Frankl

DSCN3073In recent weeks, we’ve reviewed the many benefits of kindness: health, relationships, life satisfaction, professional and business success, to name just a few. And we’ve talked about factors that can get in the way of our best kind intentions, including fear, time, apathy, obliviousness, and keeping score.

Let’s revisit the good stuff now, the skills of kindness—practices we can add to our daily lives to expand the kindness around us. Most of the skills to extending kindness and countering unkindness are pretty simple . . . but that doesn’t mean they’re always easy. They take practice. Kindness can’t be turned on and off like a faucet. It’s something we develop with practice—just as we improve in playing tennis or the saxophone.

A great way to think about the skills we’ll be exploring over the coming weeks is to see them as tools in our toolbox, or—using a more high-tech analogy—as apps we can download and call upon when needed.

For today, let’s look at a skill that sounds simple, but is tough in practice: learning to pause.

When we’re insulted or disrespected, we often respond in a knee-jerk fashion. We sling an insult right back, or we say something that we hope will put the offender in their place. It’s an automatic reaction, and it takes some effort not to succumb to it. But there are a few excellent reasons not to: Continue reading →