Withholding Judgment Puts Us on the Path to Kindness

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“We do not actually know other people; we only know our judgments.” ~Bryant McGill

pink lupine 2 5-23Last time, in our review of kindness essentials, we talked about one of the most important kindness skills: learning to pause before reacting or responding. Today, let’s explore a couple of complementary skills, things we can do (or not do) in that all-important pause.

When was the last time you made a judgment about somebody? For me, it was about an hour ago, at the supermarket. I try not to, but sometimes, when somebody appears to be entirely clueless, unaware that they’re sharing crowded spaces with other people, I find myself making assumptions about them. I’m getting better, but I still do it occasionally.

I don’t know if it’s natural instinct or habit, but we humans are quick to judge. Social scientists say that we make judgments about people within about five seconds of encountering them. That means we’re not basing our judgments on a lot of evidence. We often judge people for the way they look, or talk, or dress. When someone changes lanes in front of us without signaling, we decide they’re a careless driver, and a jerk. When someone blocks our way in the dill pickle aisle at Kroger’s and then glares at us when we try to pass, we label them inconsiderate and selfish. When someone makes an ill-chosen comment, we decide that they’re ignorant, bigoted, and surely the enemy.

Maybe all those things are true—the bad driver, the narcissistic pickle hog, the entitled schmuck—but maybe not. Maybe they made a mistake, maybe they were distracted or stressed. It’s just possible they’re already regretting their action or their words and wishing they could have a do-over.

When we act inconsiderately, and all of us do at one time or another, don’t we hope that people will be understanding, that they’ll not judge us on this one unintended transgression? Don’t we hope that others will give us the benefit of the doubt? Can’t we do the same when faced with behaviors that are bewildering or off-putting?

And no, that doesn’t mean giving a pass to the obvious bigot, or the hot dog who’s clearly a menace on the highway. Those are people to give no encouragement to and to avoid, people who need to learn some important lessons very soon. But for everyday gaffes and faux pas, let’s try to withhold judgment.

One of my favorite phrases in my business and working with nonprofit boards for three decades was: We assume one another’s good intent. There’s so much power in that. We assume one another’s good intent. If we can really do it, it changes everything.

Related to withholding judgment is to develop our curiosity.

If I stop to think about why someone did or said something that seems inappropriate or offensive, I am less likely to get angry or judge them harshly. If I tap into my curiosity first, my response is very different. What made them say or do what they did? Were they acting out of fear? Was there a misunderstanding? Maybe they didn’t realize how their action would be interpreted. Is something else going on that I’m not aware of?

As soon as I yield to curiosity and allow for the very real possibility that I may not know the whole story, it becomes easy to replace my reflex response of anger or distaste with a desire to understand and even a desire to help. Curiosity leads us to kindness.

None of this stuff is rocket science. Pausing, withholding judgment, employing curiosity—they’re basic skills that we can develop with practice and with intention. As I look at some of the incivility that is swirling around us, there appear to be many instances where a judicious pause, or a willingness to see other interpretations, or to offer the benefit of the doubt, could open doors to understanding or cooperation.

I’m not so naïve as to believe that all people are well-intentioned, honest, or honorable, but for those who are, or who sometimes stumble, offering them favorable judgment helps them choose the better path, and helps us become more tolerant and inclusive. I recall the wise words of Ram Dass: “We’re all just walking each other home.” It’s as simple as that. Take my arm, we’ll get through this together….

“Curiosity is the single most important attribute with which humans are born. More than a simple desire to discover or know things, curiosity is a powerful tool, like a scalpel or a searchlight. Curiosity changes us. It is also a way to effect change, perhaps even on a global level.” ~Loren Rhoads

12 thoughts on “Withholding Judgment Puts Us on the Path to Kindness”

  2. I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately, Donna (especially since I’ve been reading Jenny ODell’s “Saving Time: Discovering a Life Beyond the Clock”) and it seems to me that at least some of these daily snap judgments are made because people are walking (and driving, yikes!) pressure cookers; they don’t feel they have the time to pause. For anything. Let alone to consider the circumstances or feelings of these “obstacles” in their way. Plus, the increasing “otherization” of our fellow beings by poisonous political and media sources further fuels the tendency to slap an easy label on a stranger and to treat them accordingly.
    I so appreciate the Pause and I appreciate you, Donna, as the peaceful warrior you are. I hope that the even smallest acts of goodwill bestowed in “the swirl of incivility” will lead to a pandemic of loving kindness!

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    • Now that’s the pandemic I would welcome, Kris. I think you described perfectly how so many people are live pressure cookers, often needing only a wayward comment or perceived disagreement to explode. Thanks for your lovely words, my friend. I hope we can get together this summer. I know just the place.

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  3. “Don’t we hope that others will give us the benefit of the doubt?”

    I sure hope so. I figure I try not to judge, or at least to not act negatively because of my judgements, but it’s tricky. People do test my patience. And I seem to find myself in more situations that are complicated, instead of simple. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a society thing, or just a sudden awareness of what’s going on around me, but life seems complicated now. And I want simple.

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    • Oh, wouldn’t simple be lovely, Ally! Unfortunately, simple isn’t easy. I don’t think it’s an age thing—aren’t we all supposed to be getting mellower as we age? It’s hard not to judge when it appears that much of the world has shoved aside some of the bedrock values and rules we all thought were absolute—things like honesty, integrity, equality, justice. I am at a loss for how to deal with people who openly reject those principles. Somehow, I think they’re counting on that….

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  4. Thank you for the loving reminder, Donna! I just finished listening to Kristin Neff’s _Self-Compassion_. I thought I had a good grasp of the concept and its applications (been working on it and made so much progress the last decade, yay!). And *still*, she uncovers so many domains in which I had not yet applied, oh my gosh… I wonder about my judgments–so quick, harsh, and rigid–no longer with shame or guilt, rather with that curiosity that we know is so key for connection, joy, and peace! EUREKA! 😀 It evokes in my head (and maybe eventually out of my mouth) that cosmic laughter, even… Thank you again!! Hope you’re having a fantastic week, my friend! xoxo

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    • Hi, Cathy, sometimes I think we may be hardwired to make judgments, but perhaps with practice we can start making more positive judgments than negative ones. And also with practice, we can learn not to act on our negative judgments, but to observe them and see what we can learn from them. Thanks for your wise comment, my friend.

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  5. Judging does come easily to me for sure, but I try very hard to recognize that judgements and truths are two different things. It does seem to me as if all of us have become more judgmental these days, and I think that is a result of the polarization of our society. When we judge, we don’t have to interact with those who we don’t understand or agree with. If we can manage not to judge, we have a chance to find out why people behave and believe the way they do, and that often results in realizing we’re more alike than we think we are. But judging is easier, so…..people do it far too often. Thanks for the reminder and practical tips on how to avoid it!

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    • “If we can manage not to judge, we have a chance to find out why people behave and believe the way they do, and that often results in realizing we’re more alike than we think we are.” That is so, true, Ann … if we can just remember. It seems, because we are so polarized, that often when we judged someone for something, we use that as an excuse to write them off entirely. If they can’t park their car correctly, we’ll ascribe every other negative trait to them. Everything’s black and white, no grey.

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