Umm…Let’s Talk About Sex

“For it is in giving that we receive.” (Francis of Assisi)

peacockI first came across this information a few months ago. Of course, I wanted to write a blog post about it right away—this is big news, after all—but I quickly discovered that making it tasteful and appropriate was something of a challenge. Perhaps because the first words I wrote were, “Woo-hoo!”

Then there was the question of a heading for the post. I came up with several and rejected them all—not quite the image YOLK has been cultivating:

  • Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink … There’s a New Reason to Be Kind
  • “Getting Any? Nope? Maybe You’re Not Kind Enough”
  • “Looking for Some Afternoon Delight? Be Kind Every Morning”
  • “Compassion Leads to Passion…and You Can’t Fake It”
  • “Want to Score? Give More!”
  • “Selfish People Have Less Sex…Kind People Have More—What’s Your Pleasure?”

Upon further reflection, I realized that it would be a service—a downright benevolent act—to share this news with readers, and might contribute a fraction to reaching the tipping point that will ultimately change the world from selfish, self-absorbed, and indifferent to kind, caring, involved…and frisky.

If we are to believe Freud (and we have no particular reason to do so—he seems to have been something of a whack-job), sex is the great motivator for humans. Thus, the news from Canadian researchers that people who are altruistic have more sex and more sexual partners might grab the attention of some—particularly college students and men of any age who collect comic books and still live in their parents’ basement.

In an article entitled, “Altruism Predicts Mating Success in Humans,” Canadian psychologist Steven Arnocky reports that, all else being equal, “altruists are more attractive than non-altruists,” and “this may translate into real mating success.”

Reporting in the British Journal of Psychology, Arnocky and his colleagues from Nipissing University, Ontario, describe two studies showing that participants who demonstrated generosity and altruism “were more desirable to the opposite sex, as well as reported having more sex partners, more casual sex partners, and having sex more often within relationships.”

Arnocky and his colleagues explain this phenomenon by noting that altruistic behavior is what biologists refer to as a “costly signal” — it requires some effort, but also trumpets one’s most attractive characteristics to potential partners (think of the male peacock). This conveys to potential mates that the prospect will not only be kind and generous in general, but also in the bedroom. That’s a pretty potent incentive.

Arnocky further notes that this dynamic seems to take place in our subconscious, resulting in natural selection that rewards the kindest and most altruistic among us, replicating that quality in future generations. It may seem hard to imagine, given the incivility that surrounds us today, but let’s grasp at straws and begin imagining that kind and generous people are smiling for reasons beyond their compassion. And those blustering, bullying narcissists are to be pitied not just for their limiting mind-set, but also their shortcomings in the romance department.

I’ve been writing about the benefits of kindness for nearly two years: health benefits, wealth advantages, improved relationships, greater life satisfaction, personal and professional success…. The different benefits will hold varying appeal to people for assorted reasons. This latest benefit might attract the attention of those who have yet to become believers in kindness. And for the rest of us, it’s one more good reason to always choose kindness. Woo-hoo!

“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” (Mary Schmich)

9 thoughts on “Umm…Let’s Talk About Sex

  1. An interesting connection. I think this just goes to show how vital kindness is meant to be within the human psyche, as a trait that gets the notice of sex. I wonder if this plays equally between men and women, between hetero and homosexual couples. And what about other cultures? I wonder how universal it is…or more of a 21st c Western phenomenon…? Yes, very intriguing.

    And I love your alternate titles! heehee

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  2. Thanks, Nancy, I like your take that this shows how important kindness is to the human psyche. You raise great questions about whether this is universal across cultures, genders, eras, etc. I suspect now that this study has been released, there will be further studies verifying and expanding the data. It will give some grant-writers an interesting challenge. Thanks so much for commenting!


  3. Very interesting. It makes sense.
    I am a great “believer” in being kind…It’s nice to know there are so many more benefits than I even dreamed of. The best benefit is just feeling good at impacting someone in a small, yet positive way…

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