“We scientists have found that doing a kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested…. Here is the exercise: find one wholly unexpected kind thing to do tomorrow and just do it. Notice what happens to your mood.” (Martin Seligman)
The holiday season can be stressful. It’s a time when another year is hurtling toward its close—often reminding us of unmet goals and the swift passage of time. It’s also a time when expectations and obligations collide with excess, and unless we’ve learned to set reasonable boundaries, stress is often the result.
Multiple recent studies show that one great way to counter stress is to spread some kindness. Research by Elizabeth Raposa, Holly Laws, and Emily Ansell, from the Department of Psychiatry at Yale University’s School of Medicine, showed that when people extend small acts of kindness, such as holding a door, offering assistance, or waving a car into a line of traffic, they experience less stress than on days when they don’t perform these small kindnesses.
The aim isn’t to be the kindest person in the room, it’s to be the kindest version of yourself. According to Ansell: “It’s not just whether you’re more altruistic than the next person, it’s that being more altruistic than usual can change your experience from day to day. It’s all about doing more than your average.”
The study showed that when participants recorded fewer instances of extending kindness or assistance to others, they experienced greater stress and negative emotions. When they extended more kindnesses, they reported lower than average feelings of stress and corresponding negative emotions.
This means that no matter what our kindness baseline may be, a small increase in our efforts can make for a happier and less stress-filled day.
The Yale research has been corroborated by Michael Poulin, a professor of psychology at the University at Buffalo. His studies suggest that one reason acts of kindness reduce stress may be that they take our mind off our own troubles: “When you are thinking about helping other people, you’re simply not thinking as much about yourself and your problems.”
There’s also plenty of evidence that engaging in acts of kindness stimulates the production of serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins in our bodies, all of which are known to elevate mood and induce calming.
Neuroscientist James Doty, founder of Stanford’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, agrees: “That is the reward for caring,” he says. “It is wired within us that when we care and nurture, it affects our physiology in a very positive way.”
The only way to know for sure if kindness will reduce your stress levels is to try it. So, as you head to the mall to search for the perfect gift for that person who really doesn’t need anything, or as you attend one too many obligatory holiday events, or as you find yourself worrying about credit card bills or excess calories, look for the next opportunity to extend a kindness. You might just make someone’s day—and that someone might be you.
“Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your modus operandi and change your world.” (Annie Lennox)
Love this post and especially love this thought: “the goal isn’t to be the kindest person in the room, just the kindest version of yourself. “ Thanks! Have a wonderful Christmas and a happy healthy New Year!
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Thanks, Fransi! I hope you have a wonderful holiday, too, and that 2020 is good to all of us. I have missed seeing you on Tuesday mornings–hope you’ve enjoyed your break.
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Thanks Donna. I’ve been quite busy with work (which is good). Hope to be blogging again soon.
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I was hoping you were relaxing on a beautiful Caribbean beach. But glad to hear the work is going well.
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If only Donna. But I am enjoying the work so there’s that.
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Great post! At the school where I teach KIND is the word of the year this year in an effort to curb bullying in the elementary school years with hopes it will help support a foundation as they move through middle school and high school. I have been seeing more and more emphasis on Kindness through social media and other avenues and it is so encouraging!
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It IS encouraging, and hopeful. I’m especially heartened to see how many schools are focusing on kindness. I think kids will help lead this crusade back to civility. Hope to hear more about your school’s efforts to keep kindness front-and-center and reduce bullying. Thank you!
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Fran’s comment describes exactly what stuck out for me. Thank you for this.
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Thank you, Maggie. I think when we realize we don’t have to aspire to be Mother Teresa, but just a bit better than we were yesterday, it makes this kindness business more approachable.
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I agree that kindness can “change the world.” This is the best present and real spirit of Christmas!
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You are so right, Marie! Have a wonderful holiday.
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Thank you, I will. You too Donna.
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And the more acts of kindness that a person does, the more it becomes second nature.
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So very true. And that’s the sweet spot.
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I love this post! Just as an act of kindness can elevate our mood, an unkind act can haunt us… or at least me. I still cringe when I think about this or that I did – or didn’t do – that was less than kind. As I am a work in progress I know I won’t be perfect, but I know I can be the kindest version of myself.
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Oh, those long-ago (or not so long-ago) lapses of kindness still haunt me, too, Janis, and I squirm at the memory of them. Kindness to self would be to thank the memories for the lessons they taught me and let them go, but still they linger. Perhaps they stay to remind me that kindness is always a choice, and sometimes one I have to stretch to reach. Thanks!
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I love the way you say that our goal shouldn’t be to be the kindest person in the room…it’s not a contest…but to be the kindest version of ourselves! That’s a very good way to look at it, and to allow us to be a bit more forgiving when we (and others) fall short!
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Thanks, Ann. I think a lot of us aim for perfection and then feel badly when we can’t achieve it. Trying our best is a lot less stressful (and probably makes us more pleasant to be around!).
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Great post, Donna. My husband and I were just talking about kindness. Folks seem to be genuinely surprised at a showing of kindness these days. I say we need to make kindness more commonplace. Happy holidays!
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Making kindness more commonplace sounds like a great intention for all of us for the year ahead, Cheryl. I hope you have a wonderful holiday, too.
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A wonderful reminder, Donna! Thanks for sharing. Merry Christmas and a happier, healthier and more productive 2020! 🙏🏽😊
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Thank you, Therese! I hope you and your family have the same!
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