Kindness Begins With … Who, Me?

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” (Christopher Germer)

In the previous post, we talked about the need to be kind to ourselves if we are going to be able to give genuine kindness to others and to receive kindnesses. The challenge is to feel worthy and not to listen to that voice—ours now, but probably once that of a parent or teacher—who says putting ourselves first is always selfish.

Selfish and unselfish is a polarity we must manage, recognizing that there are times when our need is greater and other times when someone else must come first, and still other times when putting someone else’s need above our own is our greatest need.

“Self-care” is not a term that will mean the same thing for everyone. It’s also a term that can get a bad rap. For some, self-care may be analogous to selfishness, or self-absorption, and taken to an extreme, like anything else, it ceases to serve us. It’s no fun spending time with someone who has nothing of interest to talk about but herself, or anyone above the age of eight who still believes that the universe revolves entirely around him. Yet, those people are all around us and they are as exhausting as they are unwelcome. We can’t change them, but as a gesture of kindness to ourselves, we can limit the time we have to spend with them.

Let’s look at a few more methods we humans have devised for being kind to ourselves:

Recognizing Boundaries

I look at boundaries as something like values. My friend Lynn describes values as “decisions we make in advance” and I think boundaries are much the same. They are the demarcation of what I will and will not do, and what I will and will not allow as I interact with others. They are both external and internal. External boundaries protect us from invasions of our space, our emotions and beliefs, and even our possessions. Internal boundaries help us manage our time, our emotions, and our impulses. Without a sense of our own boundaries we can deplete ourselves by trying excessively to please, serve or fix, by tolerating abuse, byaccepting criticism without evaluating it, by overscheduling our lives ‘til we reach exhaustion, or by taking on other people’s baggage. Learning to both establish and hold to our boundaries is a big element of self-kindness.

Forgiving

As someone who has done her share of stupid and thoughtless things, I have finally learned that continuing to carry them around with me in the form of regrets and self-recriminations serves no one … and it’s a dreadfully heavy weight. That doesn’t mean ignoring them, but rather learning from them, forgiving myself, and letting them go. There is a quote of unknown origin that says it well: Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.

Small Indulgences

Somewhat related to the satisfaction triggers we talked about earlier, “small indulgences” is a term I first heard from trend-watcher Faith Popcorn. She was referring to the tiny “affordable luxuries” that we allow ourselves—they don’t break the budget and they offer a quick and easy respite from stress. In the commercial world, Starbucks is the embodiment of a source for small indulgences, having convinced us that the answer to our immediate need is a caramel macchiato, a chai tea, or simply a good cup of Ethiopian blend. But we can find small indulgences all around us: a piece of dark, artisan chocolate … a magazine we enjoy but don’t usually spend five dollars to buy … a visit to a museum or library … a massage … just about anything by a couple of guys named Ben and Jerry … or maybe it’s buying that new bestseller we’ve been wanting to read, rather than waiting months to get it from the library.

The barriers that prevent us from being kind to ourselves are generally the same obstacles that keep us from being kind to others: time, fear, fatigue, apathy, obliviousness…. We’ll be exploring some of these in upcoming posts.

If we are to have a long-term perspective on compassion, as the Dalai Lama encourages, that means recognizing that kindness begins with self and radiates outward. Unless we replenish ourselves periodically, we cannot offer our gifts to others and to a universe that is in dire need of our kindness.

What’s the kindest thing you could do for yourself right this minute? What’s stopping you?

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” (Anna Quindlen)

Kindness Begins With … Who?

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” (Parker Palmer)

I can’t effectively extend kindness to others or graciously receive kindness from them if I don’t have a solid relationship of kindness with one very important person: me.

Seems obvious, but how many of us are really pretty mean to that person we live and breathe with 24/7? Sometimes we’re downright abusive; other times, we’re indifferent or neglectful.

I’m going to employ one of the most overworked analogies around—one we encounter every time we take to the friendly skies: “Should there be a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment … be sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”

We’ve heard it a thousand times, not just from our amiable flight attendant, but it is part of the repertoire of every motivational speaker on the circuit. Yes, it’s overworked and trite, but, as so many overworked and trite things are, it’s also true.

Think about it in its original and literal setting: If you were a child or someone who might need assistance donning an oxygen mask, would you prefer to get that help from someone breathing calmly and offering the assurance that this is a minor inconvenience which we will handle together, or from a wild-eyed martyr who may pass out at any moment. I’ll take the former, thank you.

And in more earthbound circumstances, I find it more pleasurable to receive a kindness from someone who is steady and self-assured than from someone whose attempt at kindness seems to be born more out of desperation or obligation than of genuine caring. And I find it easier to extend kindness to someone who is able to receive, than to someone who can’t because they don’t feel worthy.

There is not a one-size-fits-all method of being kind to ourselves. What works for some won’t for others. Let’s explore just a few:

Knowing When to Say Yes to Saying No

Saying yes to our own lives sometimes means knowing how to say no to others. When we give so much to others that we have nothing left to give ourselves, we must follow the advice of the Dalai Lama: “…for the sake of everyone … withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.” Likewise, there are times when we need to speak a gentle “no” to ourselves, when we are poised to embark on a self-destructive action, or when we simply need permission to get off the merry-go-round.

Margot Silk Forrest, author of A Short Course in Kindness, offers a wonderful list of 42 ways to say no. Here are just a few. You’ll find the whole, handy list on her website:

I wish I could help you out, but I’m overextended/overcommitted right now.
Not in this lifetime!
The part that wants to make you happy wants to say yes, but the rest of me won the vote. I’ll pass.

Changing Our Self-Talk

How many of us say things to ourselves that we would never say to another human being? We call ourselves stupid, clumsy, ugly, fat. We criticize our slightest error. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve the good things that come our way, and that we do deserve the bad. If we happen to look in the mirror and notice that the person looking back at us is looking pretty hot today, we immediately look for the flaw: check out that hair, brushed it with a cattle prod, did you? We need to notice when we’re engaging in verbal self-abuse and change it on the spot: Dahling, you look magnificent! Come, let the world see how beautiful you are!

Finding Our Own Satisfaction Triggers

Everybody has different self-care activators, and they are as diverse as the population is: reading, exercise, bubble baths, being in nature, listening to music, writing, walking the dog or petting the cat, romance, travel, swimming, tennis, meditation, spending time with friends, spending time alone. These are just a few. What are your satisfaction triggers? We all need to recognize the activities that replenish and re-energize us and then activate them with some frequency. If we don’t take care of ourselves, who will?

Self-care and self-kindness is a big issue. In the next post, we’ll look at a few more means of being kind to that VIP who is us, and we’ll talk about what gets in the way. Please share your own ah-has and thoughts about self-kindness. What happens when you don’t practice kindness with yourself? What do you do to be kind to yourself?

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” (Dr. Seuss)

Extend Yourself

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” (Dalai Lama XIV)

Dr. Dale Turner

Years ago, theologian, speaker, and extraordinarily kind man, Dr. Dale Turner, handed out little green cards with two simple words printed on them: “Extend Yourself.” I have no religious background or education, nor any inclination toward such, but every time I heard Dr. Turner, he touched me to the core. He also made me laugh—a fine combination. I’ve carried that little card in my wallet and had those two words clipped beside my desk for nearly three decades. It seems to me that the phrase “Extend Yourself” captures the essence of kindness. It also highlights the difference between niceness and kindness.

Nice is something we can be without extending ourselves. Nice is tipping the hat, holding the door, smiling at the cashier. Nice may even be dropping a dollar in someone’s hand if we do so without looking the person in the eye and saying a genuinely caring word. Kind is asking how we can help, offering our hand, jumping in without being asked, and engaging in conversation that goes beyond the superficial. All of these actions have an element of risk—we might be rebuffed, ignored, or disrespected.

Nice generally doesn’t inconvenience us. I can share my bounty with you because I have plenty. Kind is when we share knowing that we may not have as much as we would like, and that’s okay. We often go out of our way to extend ourselves or to be kind.

Generosity

Extending ourselves is an act of generosity, whether material or relational.

Recently there was a story on NPR describing how the impulse to generosity seems to be hardwired in our brains. In a study of children, researchers found that they smiled significantly more when they were giving treats away than when they received the treats themselves. But what the researchers found to be especially interesting was that the children smiled significantly more when they gave away their own treats than if they gave away an identical treat provided by the experimenter for the purpose of giving away.

I saw another story two days ago, about Calvin Olsen, a second grader in Las Vegas. He told his parents that he had been given so much for Christmas he didn’t want anything for himself for his birthday. Instead, he wanted “to give all my birthday presents to kids that need them.” He asked for $25 gift cards for older kids and presents for the little kids. Sixty people came to Calvin’s birthday party. He collected over $600 in cash and gift cards for kids and teens in foster care, $100 of which was from his own savings.

That impulse to generosity that Calvin Olsen and the kids in the NPR study have seems to be an instinctive knowledge of the rightness of “extending yourself.” Let’s hope as they grow older we don’t “help” them unlearn it. Instead, let’s learn from them.

Being Nice Isn’t the Same as Being Kind

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Donna Cameron

“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” (Henry James)

I think most people would say I am a nice person. I was raised to be nice. “Be nice” was one of my mother’s mantras. It isn’t all that hard to be nice; in fact, it’s easy. It’s also benign, it’s relatively passive, it’s safe … one can be nice without expending too much energy or investing too much of oneself in others. One can be nice without risking.

But some years ago, I realized that I want to be more than nice. I want to be kind. Kindness is a value I hold dearest. My life would matter if at the end of it people would say of me, “She was a kind person.” That would be a life that made a difference.

So, I aspired to be kind, and I think sometimes I was. But just as often, I was impatient, I was snarky, I was judgmental, I was indifferent or simply oblivious.

Being kind—truly kind—is hard. Maybe it isn’t difficult for everyone, but it is for me. Nice requires little effort. I can be nice while also being disinterested, critical, and even sarcastic. I can’t be kind and be any of those things. Being kind means caring; it means making an effort; it means thinking about the impact I’m having in an interaction with someone and endeavoring to make it rich and meaningful—to give them what they need at that exact moment. It means letting go of my judgments and accepting people as they are. Kindness requires me to take a risk.

A life of kindness is not something that I can live only when it suits me. I’m not a kind person if I’m kind only when it’s easy or convenient. A life of kindness means being kind when it’s neither convenient nor easy—in fact sometimes it might be terribly hard and tremendously inconvenient. That’s when it matters most.

I believe that kindness is something I need to recommit to every day. Setting an intention to be kind is like setting an intention to learn a foreign language or to play the piano—the intention isn’t enough. One must be willing to devote time and energy to developing the skill, to understanding what is involved … one must practice.

So I have christened 2015 as my “year of living kindly.”

Each day I will recommit to being a kind person and each day I will undoubtedly learn more about kindness—and about myself. I plan to post about my progress and my ah-has a couple of times a week. Since there isn’t a kindness switch and I have several decades of self-centered niceness as my fallback behavior, I suspect I will fail as much as I succeed. However, if I end 2015 a kinder person than I am today, I will have achieved what I am setting out to do.

A Year of Living Kindly

adventures in trying to live a life of kindness

Tag Archives: Compassion