“We do not actually know other people; we only know our judgments.” ~Bryant McGill

Last time, in our review of kindness essentials, we talked about one of the most important kindness skills: learning to pause before reacting or responding. Today, let’s explore a couple of complementary skills, things we can do (or not do) in that all-important pause.

When was the last time you made a judgment about somebody? For me, it was about an hour ago, at the supermarket. I try not to, but sometimes, when somebody appears to be entirely clueless, unaware that they’re sharing crowded spaces with other people, I find myself making assumptions about them. I’m getting better, but I still do it occasionally.

I don’t know if it’s natural instinct or habit, but we humans are quick to judge. Social scientists say that we make judgments about people within about five seconds of encountering them. That means we’re not basing our judgments on a lot of evidence. We often judge people for the way they look, or talk, or dress. When someone changes lanes in front of us without signaling, we decide they’re a careless driver, and a jerk. When someone blocks our way in the dill pickle aisle at Kroger’s and then glares at us when we try to pass, we label them inconsiderate and selfish. When someone makes an ill-chosen comment, we decide that they’re ignorant, bigoted, and surely the enemy. Continue reading →