Category Archives: Kindness

The Power of Kindness…

Posted on by
attribution: Donna Cameron

Summer Visitor at Storm Lake

I have opened and closed nearly every blog post with quotes about kindness. For those of you who love or collect quotations, as I do, you can always access them on my Resource page. One of my favorite kindness quotes is just a bit too long to lead off a blog post, so I thought I’d make the quote today’s post. These wise words by Ralph Marston are ones I read and ponder frequently. They seem especially apt during this long summer of our discontent. I hope they touch you, as well.

Though it may seem that your kindness is not always appreciated, it does indeed have an impact every time. The less it seems to be appreciated, the more it is needed, and the more of a positive difference it can make.

Kindness is not something that becomes depleted when it is used. The more true, unconditional kindness you offer, the more you will have to offer, and the more there will be for everyone.

Genuine kindness is not an act of weakness or capitulation, but rather a powerful demonstration of confidence in your purpose. Not at all naïve or unrealistic, kindness is a sign of true strength and real sophistication.

Kindness does not mean allowing others to take advantage of you or of anyone else. Kindness means doing what you know is right and creating real, substantial, lasting value for those around you.

Live and act with kindness, and the value of each action is multiplied many, many times over. Live with kindness and you live with the power to make a difference in every life you touch.

~Ralph Marston

This I believe with all my heart: Kindness will win…

Where Will It End?

Posted on by

“I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, then it will start a chain reaction of the same. People will never know how far a little kindness can go.” (Rachel Joy Scott [1981-1999], student, first victim of the Columbine High School massacre)

Even to me, kindness sometimes seems puny and powerless against the relentless bigotry, hatred, and anger that surround us. I believe with my whole heart that kindness will eventually triumph, but even with my whole heart thus convinced, I feel it shatter after so many senseless deaths—those of the last week and the cumulative violence here in America and worldwide.

It’s making some of us numb, while at the same time arousing even more anger in others. We have become vastly polarized—politics, ideology, culture, race, religion. The diversity that makes us so robust, so richly varied, and, yes, so strong, is also our Achilles’ heel. Where. Will. It. End?

This week, Representative John Lewis, Democrat of Georgia and renowned civil rights leader, said, “It doesn’t matter whether black or white, Latino, Asian-American or Native American; we are one family living in one house. We must learn to live together as brothers and sisters. If not, we will perish as fools. We have too many guns. There has been too much violence. And we must act.”

“Perish as fools.” Is that to be our fate? Sometimes it feels like it.

Fear is at the heart of so much of this violence: fear of people who look different or think differently, fear of losing what one has or of never having what one wants, fear of being disrespected, fear of being wrong, fear of appearing weak. What would happen if we could put aside our fears?

Each horrific act we’ve witnessed has incited more hatred and violence, but each has also spurred countless acts of kindness. We must multiply those kindnesses, we must share them and savor them. When I become discouraged, and when puny kindness seems no match for ever-growing anger and hate, I will remember the courage of people who stand up to aggression and violence armed only with kindness, and I will try to emulate them. We must always remember them…lest we perish as fools.

Tiananmen Square, 1989

Tiananmen Square, 1989. Source: Wikipedia, photographer: Jeff Widener, Associated Press

“The simplest acts of kindness are by far more powerful than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.” (Mahatma Gandhi)

Choosing to Be For or Against … Redux

Posted on by

“We become what we love. Whatever you are giving your time and attention to, day after day, is the kind of person you will eventually become.” (Wayne Muller)

Attribution: Donna CameronOne of the things I learned during my year of living kindly was to be better at pausing when I saw unkindness and look for an interpretation that might explain it. I’m not always successful but the act of pausing also reminds me that we often respond reflexively to external stimuli—and our first response is sometimes not the best response, and is, in fact, often regretted.

So, when I heard that members of the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church were protesting vocally and viciously outside funerals and memorial services for some of the victims of the Orlando shooting, I paused and tried to think of some way to interpret their actions that humanized them. I couldn’t and I can’t.

Like the shooter himself, these people are haters and the God they purport to serve is a hating god. I went to their website to try to understand. It sickened me. I won’t insert a link—it’s that offensive. These are the same people who protested and disrupted the funeral of Wyoming college student Matthew Shepard nearly 20 years ago. These are not people who are interested in kindness or compassion, or in listening to other views, and the God they portray is just like them. The best I can muster for them is pity.

It may be that some of them are kind to their families, or to people who share their distorted views, or perhaps they show compassion to stray puppies and kittens. But they are not kind people, and, as far as I can tell, kindness is not a behavior they would ever have regard for.

What sort of life is it that is so focused on hate?

I find I keep thinking about a post I wrote a year ago—one that explored the idea that we create our world by what we choose to pay attention to. If we choose positive over negative, good over bad, kindness over apathy or disrespect, we move toward manifesting the world we want to live in, and that future generations will appreciate. If we choose to hate, to repress, or to banish those who think or act differently from ourselves, we build a world of mistrust, intolerance, and hostility. Such a world is small and colorless, and devoid of joy.

The whole of last year’s post can be viewed here, but I want to retell a story I included. It’s a small story of a woman who is not famous and doesn’t want to be. In the wake of Orlando, and during Pride month it resonates with me, perhaps it will with you, as well:

[from June 2015]

Mother Teresa is reported to have said, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”

I was reminded of that quote when I read Jerry Large’s column in The Seattle Times. He wrote about a woman in the nearby town of Snohomish who was being removed as a volunteer leader in Young Life, a well-established Christian organization for high-school students. Pam Elliott’s “crime” was participating with other mothers in making decorations for the Seattle Pride Parade later this month, and posting the pictures on her Facebook page. She did it in support of a friend and the friend’s gay son, and because she believes in equality for everyone.

“Love is love,” Elliott said. “I am not a big activist, I’m supporting my friend. This is what we do for each other, we love each other’s kids like our own.”

The Young Life people gave her a choice. Ms. Elliott can continue her work as a volunteer leader—work which she loves—if she retracts her Facebook posting and stops aligning herself with the gay rights movement. The choice she made was to continue to support her friend and her friend’s son … and what she knows to be right. I’m not comparing Pam Elliott with Mother Teresa, but, like Mother Teresa, Ms. Elliott chose to stand for something, rather than against something else.

This has been a year of such divisiveness, and with the November elections still several months away we can anticipate even more rancor and animosity. Perhaps if we pause to remind ourselves occasionally that we can choose to stand for something rather than against something else we might contribute real and lasting value to our social fabric.

Every day, every hour, we choose who we are going to be, and in making that choice, we choose the world we want to live in, and want our children and theirs to live in. We must choose wisely … and kindly.

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” (Saint Basil, Bishop of Cesarea)

What We Want Most for Our Kids

Posted on by

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” (L.R. Knost)

Cherry Tree at Storm LakeI can remember my mother saying that what she wanted most for her daughters was that they be happy. I think she hoped that we’d figure out on our own how to do that, since it was a state she achieved only rarely, and was therefore unlikely to show us the way.

She said it often enough that I did spend some time pondering happiness as I was growing up. I never equated happiness with wealth or accumulation. I had a pretty strong notion that happiness wasn’t a goal in itself, but more the byproduct of doing what I loved in the company of people I respected and cared about. College and career taught me that happiness resulted when I could explore new ideas, meet challenges, problem-solve, create satisfying results, and improve the world in some small way—again, in the company of good people.

It took me a while, but I’ve finally come to learn that the most direct route to happiness is kindness. When I experience kindness, I am happy. It really is as simple as that. If I extend a kindness, it makes me happy. If I am on the receiving end of kindness, it makes me happy. And if I witness kindness, or even read about it, it makes me happy.

And the research bears this out. In recent years, there have been numerous studies linking kindness and happiness: A study by researchers Kathryn E. Buchanan and Anat Bardi, published in the Journal of Social Psychology concluded that performing acts of kindness resulted in increased life satisfaction. The “Social Capital Community Benchmark Survey,” overseen by researchers from Harvard University, indicates that those who gave contributions of time or money were “42 percent more likely to be happy” than those who didn’t.

Similarly, research by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, shows that acts of kindness boost happiness. She cites a recent study that showed “when 9- to 11-year old kids were asked to do acts of kindness for several weeks, not only did they get happier over time but they became more popular with their peers.” Another of her research projects showed that asking employees to be generous to a randomly chosen list of colleagues increased happiness, connectedness, flow, and decreased depression—not just for the givers, but for the recipients, and even for people who merely witnessed the generosity. Once again, the power of kindness knows no bounds!

I wish my mother had known that, but then I also realize that it’s something each of us has to discover for ourselves.

I came across an article not too long ago that summarized a research study conducted by Forum Research at the behest of the Toronto Star. It asked parents and grandparents the most important values they hoped to instill in their children and grandchildren. Kindness, I am happy to report, was the number one value these folks hoped to pass on to children. Thirty percent of respondents rated kindness at the top. Number two was a good work ethic, at 25%. Much lower on the list were ambition (8%), leadership (7%), curiosity (5%), courage (5%), and teamwork (4%).

There is an inherent problem with polls such as this: none of these values exists alone. Kindness requires courage, it also requires curiosity; a good work ethic goes hand-in-hand with leadership and teamwork. Asking people to choose one among such interconnected values is misleading. Nonetheless, I am pleased to see the recognition people have for the importance of kindness, and I hope that parents and grandparents will not only wish it for their kids, but also model it.

How to Raise Kids to Be Kind

Adults who want their kids to learn kindness must realize that such instruction begins at home: in how they see their parents and grandparents treat one another, treat friends, kids, strangers, animals, and even the earth. There are no better mimics than children—what they see, they will imitate. They are also smart enough to recognize that a value not practiced consistently is not a value at all.

Kindness must be evident always, not just when it’s easy. They need to see that their parents will be kind behind the wheel even when other drivers are behaving like jet-propelled morons. They need to see kindness at a crowded sporting event when the beloved home-team is taking a thorough drubbing; and when one is conversing with someone whose views are diametrically opposed to their own; and in the privacy of home when talking about a difficult neighbor, work colleague, or relative.

Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd, who directs the University’s Making Caring Common project, identified five ways to raise children to truly value kindness:

  • Adults need to show that caring is a priority. They need to assure that their own behaviors match the messages they tell their kids. They need to walk their talk.
  • Give kids opportunities to practice caring and helpfulness, and also expressing gratitude. Kindness is a learned behavior and will be strengthened with repeated opportunities to extend oneself and feel the satisfaction of helping. Kids who learn the habit of gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving, as well as happy and healthy.
  • Help kids broaden their perspective and their circle of caring. The study describes this as “zooming in” and zooming out”—this means learning to recognize kindness opportunities in one’s circle of friends and family, and also to see the bigger picture of the need for kindness with strangers, the community, and even on a vaster, global scale.
  • Provide strong moral role models. Here, researchers stress the need for parents to acknowledge their own mistakes, and to listen to kids and help them understand the world and develop empathy.
  • Help kids manage destructive feelings. Feelings such as anger, shame, or envy are unavoidable—but they can be expressed in harmful ways or they can be instructive and constructive. Through conversation, parents can help kids navigate the normal emotional roller-coaster of childhood and adolescence.

Helping children to witness and experience kindness and then talking with them about kindness may be among the most potent of all parenting skills. The result is kind children, who are also happy … and who ultimately will become kind and happy adults. Heaven knows we’re gonna need ’em!

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” (James Baldwin)

Operating Instructions for a Kind Life

Posted on by

“Every once in a while take out your brain and stomp on it—it gets all caked up.” (Will Rogers)

seashellMy friend Kathi introduced me to the concept of a “hermit crab essay.” The term was coined by essayists Brenda Miller and Suzanne Paola and refers to writing that—like a hermit crab living in the shell of another creature—uses an entirely different form to convey the narrative. It might be a recipe, a police report, a to-do list, or countless other structures. Here’s an example of self-exploration in the form of a personality quiz, and another addressing romantic temptation in the form of a medical diagnosis.

I wanted to try my hand at hermit crabbing, so I have attempted to write operating instructions for living a kind life. Thanks for indulging me and thanks, Kathi, for introducing me to something new.

Operating Instructions for the Commitment to Kindness Kit™ 2.0

Thank you for investing in the 2016 Commitment to Kindness Kit™, version 2.0. These operating instructions should help you make the most of your investment. As you know, this is a particularly challenging year, with elections demonstrating the worst of human behaviors. Your interest in creating a kinder world places you with millions of other humans who are pledging to make kind choices, even as they witness contrary behaviors. These directions will help you become a kindness ambassador—modeling kindness and compassion wherever you are and changing the world for the better, one act of kindness at a time.

Materials Needed: Before we begin, let’s review the supplies and skills that you will need. First of all, you will need patience. This is not an overnight endeavor. You will also need courage, curiosity, and grace under pressure. A sense of humor will often come in handy, too. Manufacturer recommends a daily application of gratitude to assure optimum performance and possibly extend the life of the operator. Do not worry if you don’t always have these tools at the ready; they will come with practice, sometimes appearing when you least expect it.

Step One: Suspend judgment. When in situations where the behavior of others baffles or annoys you, switch on your ability to empathize and give the benefit of the doubt. Assume their good intent and look for a possible explanation for the behavior. Perhaps they are afraid or stressed. Maybe they are embarrassed. Could they be facing a challenge that you are unaware of? Assume that they are doing their best and not intentionally disrupting your life. If all else fails and you cannot excuse the behavior, imagine that they have been put in your path to teach you something you need to learn. What is it? Approach with curiosity and compassion. Note: Step one requires practice; nobody gets it right the first time. Remember that you are in good company.

Step Two: Start small. Unless you are a bona fide saint or holy person, you may have years of obliviousness to overcome. One good way to start is by frequently asking yourself these questions: What is the kind response here? and How can I make this person’s day? Sometimes a smile, a gracious word, eye-contact, or a door held open are all the kindness needed to ignite joy.

Step Three: Let go of fear. Fear blocks the path of kindness. Whether it’s fear of embarrassment, rejection, getting it wrong, or being vulnerable, take a deep breath and let it go. Replace fear with the courage borne of your best intentions. Think about the possibilities your kindness might manifest and proceed confidently.

Step Four: Pause frequently. Instead of acting instantly in response to external stimuli, pause and think about whether your reflexive response will improve or worsen the situation. Assess the actual need for the sarcastic comment or the clever put-down…or even the subtle eye rolls. Note: Remember that a pause is not a vacant space; it’s a choice point. Choose wisely.

Step Five: Pay attention. Kindness is all around, as are opportunities to extend kindness. Kindness requires presence and practice. It is recommended that you refer to these instructions frequently, until operation of your kindness mechanism becomes second nature.

Step Six: Remember to refuel. Sustained kindness is powered by self-care and ample rest. Kindness begins with each of us. If we can’t be kind to ourselves or don’t think we’re worthy of kindness, we can’t be consistently kind to others or to the world. Accordingly, get sufficient sleep. Being well-rested helps us make kind and ethical choices. Plus, we have the energy and reserves to deal with whatever comes up. Manufacturer cannot be responsible for actions taken when operator is running on empty.

Step Seven: Repeat as needed. Remember that kindness itself is not your destination, but it is the never-ending path you have chosen to follow. Occasionally you will stumble off the path. That’s normal, just try to stumble back on as soon as possible.

Warnings and Cautions: Users would be wise to remember that there are people who will denigrate or demean your kindness, mislabeling it as weak or inconsequential. Disregard to the degree possible. Occasionally, people will misinterpret your kindness, and may react to it in unexpected ways. Proceed with both caution and confidence. Ultimately, kindness is contagious; as others see you practice they may be inspired to do the same.

The manufacturer assumes no liability for results when product is used while operator is smug or sanctimonious. These behaviors generally reduce or eradicate effectiveness and may result in unexplained rejection, unwarranted suspicion, or warped interpretations. Should any of these occur, user is encouraged to apply fresh kindness liberally and await a different result. If instructions are consistently followed, operator will enjoy a lifetime of kindness and the associated pleasures it brings.

These instructions should assure thorough and long-term satisfaction in your 2016 Commitment to Kindness Kit™ 2.0. As further updates are made to this product, you will receive notification.

♥

œ[Fellow bloggers: try writing a post or essay using a hermit crab format—a recipe, a letter, an obituary…whatever appeals to you. See if it brings you a fresh perspective. The possibilities are endless … and it’s a most enjoyable exercise.]

“Art doesn’t just happen by accident. It is about pulling out new tricks and trying new things.” (Nicholas Meyer)