Kindness Report Card

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life, you will have been all of these.” (George Washington Carver)

The first three months of my year of living kindly have passed like a kid on a skateboard. Since the end of a quarter seems like an appropriate time for a report card, I will indulge in some self-evaluation.

Am I kinder than I was three months ago? I think so, but my husband says he hasn’t noticed any difference.

Admittedly, Bill sees me at my worst. He’s also quick to alert me when I fall short of my intent. After an apple-green Fiat pulls out right in front of our car from a side street causing me to mash down my brakes, and then slows to a crawl ahead of me, I say, “Oh, come on, lady, really, how about looking both ways?”

Bill’s response: “Was that kind?” No, probably not.

[Note to self for next time I embark on anything of this nature: do not share intentions with husband—assuming same husband; do not invite him to follow blog.]

As I review the concepts I’ve explored over the last three months, I see that there are some areas where I have taken my ideas to heart, and some where I may not have picked up my own gauntlet.

Overall, I guess I’d give myself about a C+. Just looking at that grade makes me shudder. When I was in school (back in the days of crinoline and manual typewriters), anything less than an A was terribly upsetting, and anything lower than a B—well—other than a C in penmanship in 4^th grade—I never got any grades lower than B’s (and very few of those). So giving myself a C+ in kindness feels like failing a test in a favorite subject.

In our office, we’ve been talking a lot about evaluations, and we decided there’s a lot to be said for a simple “thumbs-up” or “thumbs-down” method. Thumbs up indicates that one’s on the right track, and thumbs down indicates the need for a lot more work.

Under the “needs a lot of work” area of my report card, I would list the following:

Kindness awareness – My tendency toward obliviousness throughout most areas of my life extends to kindness. I am missing opportunities to be kind by simply not seeing them. Just as I step over piles of clutter in my office and totally don’t see dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, I am often oblivious to situations where I could offer a kind word or deed. It is not intentional, it is my own failure to be present and mindful. I think it’s called GAD (general awareness disorder), and there’s undoubtedly a pharmaceutical company looking into it, or a support group for us somewhere, but, well, who’s paying attention…?

Being judge-y – I think I am doing better here, but I still catch myself with unkind or critical thoughts. I am, however, far less likely to voice them and more able to brush them aside. I still find myself wondering, though, about the people who allow their screaming kids to run around the restaurant, or the ones who leave their carts blocking the grocery aisle while they talk on their phones. I guess they are oblivious in their own ways, too. Someone told me that it’s okay to think snarky thoughts if I keep them to myself. I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll take a pass whenever offered.

Risking rejection or looking foolish – At times, I am still hesitant to extend a kindness if I fear it will be rejected. Likewise, I have passed on opportunities to be kind if I feared they would draw unwanted attention or if I might appear incompetent or foolish. I play it too safe. I am incompetent and foolish in so many areas of my life—might as well admit it, get over it, and plough through.

My report card might classify these as “on the right track”:

Patience – While still a long way to go, I am more patient. I am taking to heart my own perspective that if my #1 job is to be kind, then it’s much easier to be patient when someone or something gets in my way or slows me down. If being kind supersedes all else, the time it takes shouldn’t bother me—and, more and more, it doesn’t.

Kindness expectations – I am making an effort to expect kindness and smooth sailing in all my interactions, and with very few exceptions that is what I am experiencing. It does appear that given a chance most people’s default setting is kindness. The downside to this is that I have had almost no opportunities to see how I do at expressing kindness in the face of unkindness or rudeness. People are all just so nice.

Kindness awareness – Yes, this was also on my “needs work” list, but there are areas of progress. I have gotten in the habit of frequently asking myself before I say or do something: Is this the kindest action? Is this the kind response? And there have been times when that pause has enabled me to adjust my course or choose differently or more wisely. A couple of weeks ago, I was stopped for speeding—first time in 35 years. As the policeman walked up to my car, I reminded myself to be kind and friendly—that this part of his job was not always pleasant. Are you thinking that I charmed him out of writing me a ticket? No, that didn’t happen, but he very kindly wrote me up for only five miles above the speed limit, instead of the thirteen I was actually going, which saved me about $70 on the ticket. I thanked him very sincerely. Now, on my way home from work, when I see him parked in that same hidden driveway, I am tempted to wave, but I fear he may misinterpret the sign.

Expressing appreciation – Going back to that oblivious thing, I know I am still missing a lot of opportunities to express appreciation, but I am also doing it more: commending people for their work, notes of appreciation, sincere thanks.

So, as a new quarter starts, I see that I have some work to do: I want to extend kindness more even when it may be out of my way or inconvenient—always mindful that it’s my #1 job. I want to take some risk and be kind even if it might not be comfortable. I want to overcome inertia and obliviousness and expand my kindness radar. I want to continue to pause, to express thanks, and look for the kind response. I also want to get at least a B next quarter, or find a teacher who grades easier….

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” (Tom Bodett)

Enough IS Enough! Kindness and Abundance

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“True kindness is rooted in a deep sense of abundance, out of which flows a sense that even as I give, it is being given back to me.” (Wayne Muller)

The world offers us two perspectives on abundance.

It’s easier to be kind when we have that sense of abundance that Wayne Muller talks about above. If we are always worrying that there is never enough, or that if I share my bounty with you, there will not be enough for me, it will be hard to extend kindness.

Have you ever felt resentment or envy toward someone who experienced good fortune or great success? Maybe you found yourself rationalizing it (“Well, sure, with his family connections, getting that job was easy”), or minimizing it (“What’s the big deal? So she got a MacArthur Genius Grant—they’re a-dime-a-dozen”). Or maybe you noticed the grinding of your molars as you congratulated someone for their success.

Thoughts like that are focused on scarcity: if she gets a lot, there will be less for me.

Pie, Anyone?

Cultural anthropologist Jennifer James often speaks about the concept of the limited or unlimited pie. If we view our world as a limited pie, our slice is smaller if someone else gets a big piece. But if we can see the pie as unlimited—expanding endlessly from the center—then we have no reason to feel threatened or diminished by someone else’s success or prosperity: there’s plenty for everyone and the size of mine isn’t impacted by the size of yours.

Rarely does someone else’s abundance mean a dearth for us. It doesn’t work that way. Success and good fortune—like sunshine—are not rationed. There’s an ample supply for everybody. In fact, the more we all recognize the plenty surrounding us, the more there is for everyone, because—through kindness and our own contentment—we start helping others to experience abundance. And we share what we have because, after all, there’s plenty. And, like a boomerang or an eager puppy, it bounds right back to us.

This doesn’t mean that kind people never experience envy and pettiness. They’re as susceptible as the rest of us, but perhaps more able to acknowledge and move beyond those feelings quickly.

For the rest of us, on those days when we wake up feeling less than, it is easy to lose sight of what really matters. That’s when a sense of abundance needs to be summoned. Maybe we feel less than attractive, or less than smart, or less than capable, or less than secure. Or maybe we are aware that we don’t have the wealth or resources that others do. Focusing on what we don’t have—whether real or imagined—only ignites a downward spiral.

As trite as it may be, it’s the old “glass half-full or half-empty” conundrum. We create our own reality by how we look at the world. If we view it through the lens of “not enough,” that is what we train ourselves to look for and we are never satisfied. If we view it through the lens of abundance, then how easy it is to be satisfied, and to see that there is enough to share.

Without a sense of abundance, we can neither give nor receive. We hold our own possessions too tightly, and we have neither the open eyes nor the open hands to see and receive all that the world is offering us.

A Different View of Abundance…

To believe we have enough, we must first believe we are enough. We are surrounded, though, by messages that tell us we are not. These are messages of a different kind of abundance: the copious consumption and assiduous acquisition that are so prevalent in Western society.

Even if we’re lucky enough to have family and friends who see us as whole and perfect just as we are, the media bombards us with messages that we’re not. Magazines show us the fashions we’re lacking, or the youthful skin that we’ve lost. Television shows us—both through advertising and Hollywood’s relatively narrow view of beauty—that we’re far from adequate: some bits are too small and some are too big, some are too curly and some are too straight, but, good news, there’s a product to fix all our faults. Ads about weight, skin, and hair plague us online, and continually remind us that there’s a wonder drug or serum just waiting to solve our problems.

We are subtly and not so subtly taught to believe in our own inadequacy: we are not enough, something is missing. And the solution is always out there—something that will fix us or make us whole. If we just buy the right stuff, acquire the missing magic ingredient…. If we allow it, it becomes an endless quest for more.

The view of abundance we see from the lens of kindness tells us we have what we need to live a life of joy and meaning and service, and we are fine just as we are. The commoditizing view of abundance whispers to us that we aren’t enough and need to acquire more to be adequate. We hear them both … which voice resonates more deeply with you?

“He who sows sparingly will reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will reap bountifully.” (St. Paul)

Kindness Takes a Holiday…

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“If you treat people right, they will treat you right … ninety percent of the time.” (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

I’m not sure how kind I was yesterday. I don’t think I was exactly unkind, but no one hearing me would have remarked on my kindness, that’s for sure.

Maybe there are times when “not unkind” is the best we can muster.

It all started Friday afternoon when a work colleague alerted me to the fact that a client’s website would not accept credit cards. We had set up the account months ago and this was the first occasion this small client had needed to process credit cards through its website. And the need was immediate.

Since I was the name of record on the account, it was my responsibility to resolve it. It wasn’t clear where the problem was, so I tried to communicate electronically with the two companies involved. Neither company would recognize the account number. So, I got on the phone to them. After nearly two hours of back and forth and lots of automated messages and irksome hold music, it became clear that the account I had opened had been inadvertently closed, and an account we had closed had been kept open, but was not compatible with web-processing (more information than you could ever want, sorry).

Since I had a copy of a letter in hand confirming what account they told us last November was open and what account was closed—and the reverse had clearly transpired—it seemed like a simple matter to rectify the error. However, by the time it was discovered, it was close-of-business on the east coast and I was told that I would have to call back Monday.

It was a frustrating weekend, imagining members trying to register for an event and getting continued error messages. We put a note on the website asking them to call us if they encountered problems.

First thing Monday morning—after a fortifying cup of coffee—I took to the phone again. All the relevant information was at my fingertips: The name of the person I had spoken to when I opened the account, and the one who had assured me in November that account “A” was open and account “B” was closed, and copies of correspondence confirming the same information, and specifically saying that it was “web-ready.” I also had copies of all the monthly bills our client had paid for a non-functioning account. I was prepared.

Upon finally reaching a live human (no easy feat on a Monday morning), I was shuttled to three departments before someone would acknowledge that there had been an error and it was theirs. Then I made the mistake of asking what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question, “How are you going to fix it?”

Well, it turns out, that’s another department, and they would cancel our non-functional account (at a charge of $125) and send me the paperwork to open another account. If they expedited it, we should be able to take credit card payments within a week or ten days.

That’s when I got cranky. “This was my problem, but it’s now yours. You’re not going to charge my client a cent to cancel an account that is entirely useless to us. And this needs to be fixed today, not tomorrow, not next week. Whom do we talk to to make sure that happens?”

She named someone in another department. “Okay,” I said firmly, and maybe a teensy bit loudly, “get him on the line, and you stay on the line, too, until we’re all in agreement that this is resolved.”

“But once you’re in Bryan’s hands, he’ll take care of you.”

I was now well into hour four of phone wrangling (phone hours being much longer than standard hours) to resolve this issue. Bryan might be Pope Francis’ kinder brother, but until my problem was fixed, I wasn’t going to let Elsie off the phone.

After about 15 minutes I had assurances—both oral and emailed to me—that the account would be opened within 24 hours, there would be no fees for opening or for canceling the incorrect account, and they would personally petition for the repayment of monthly charges since last November.

One of our team members had heard part of the exchange. “That wasn’t a pleasant conversation,” she commented.

I filled her in on some of the details. “Was I terribly unkind?”

“Not unkind. Not kind, though. You were rather, uh, forceful.”

I found I was okay with that. Sometimes forceful might be what’s called for. I don’t think I was rude, and at no time did I yell or swear at a human*. I flunked “kind,” but I got at least a passing grade for “civil.”

When I started this blog, a cynical (but lovable) friend asked me if “living kindly” meant I was going to be a pushover for everyone who wanted to take advantage of me or of my kindness. I told him kindness and pushover don’t equate in my estimation. Perhaps we tested those waters this week.

I know there are people who could have resolved the credit card issue and remained kind throughout. I am not yet one of those people … and perhaps may never be. I guess that’s why I’m here….

*Is it wicked to yell at automated messages? If so, I confess I was unkind. In my defense, the disembodied voices seemed not to care….

“Being kind doesn’t mean being gullible.” (Aniket Jawale)

Perform Two Acts of Kindness and Call Me in the Morning

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person’s life.” (William Wordsworth)

There is a growing body of evidence that kindness is not only good for the world, it’s good for our health. In fact, it may just be a wonder drug. Perhaps someday soon, instead of giving us a prescription for some unpronounceable pharmaceutical, our doctor will advise us to watch Ruggles of Red Gap and bake some cookies for a neighbor.

Kindness Increases Happiness and Reduces Depression

In an April 2014 article entitled, “The Act of Kindness and Its Positive Health Benefits,” published in Underground Health Reporter, Danica Collins reported that there are numerous scientific studies showing that acts of kindness have a positive effect on the body’s immune system, as well as on the production of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is a chemical created by the human body that works as a neurotransmitter, and has a calming, anti-anxiety effect. Scientists say that an insufficiency of serotonin leads to depression.

Most interesting is the fact that not only does the performer of the kindness benefit from a boost to the immune system and an increase in serotonin production, so does the recipient, and—most surprising of all—so do persons merely witnessing the act of kindness.

Ms. Collins goes on to report that the benefits of kindness don’t stop there. She cites research that people who are routinely kind get relief from chronic pain, stress, and insomnia, and they have increases in happiness, optimism, and self-worth.

Positive Side Effects

Scottish scientist David R. Hamilton, Ph.D., has done considerable research into the health benefits of kindness. He notes that there are five beneficial “side effects” of kindness:

Kindness makes us happier: Dr. Hamilton notes that kindness elevates the levels of dopamine in the brain, giving what he calls a “natural high.”
Kindness is good for your heart: He reports that acts of kindness often generate an emotional warmth, which produces the hormone oxytocin in the brain and body, which, in turn, releases nitric oxide in blood vessels causing them to dilate and lower one’s blood pressure, acting as a cardio-protective agent. Oxytocin also reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation in the cardio-vascular system, thus reducing heart disease.
Kindness slows aging: That same reduction of free radicals and inflammation slows aging in the human body. Dr. Hamilton also notes that compassion has similarly been linked to activity in the vagus nerve, which also regulates heart rate and controls inflammation levels in the body.
Kindness improves relationships: Hamilton claims that connecting with one another is actually a genetic predisposition. He notes that “Our evolutional ancestors had to learn to cooperate with one another. The stronger the emotional bonds within groups, the greater the chances of survival, so ‘kindness genes’ were etched into the human genome.” As a result, kindness builds new relationships and boosts existing ones.
Kindness is contagious: Just as colds and flu are contagious in a bad way, so is kindness in a good way. “When we’re kind,” Hamilton says, “we inspire others to be kind, and it actually creates a ripple effect that spreads outwards to our friends’ friends’ friends—to three degrees of separation.” As an example of that ripple effect, Dr. Hamilton tells the story of an anonymous individual who donated a kidney to a stranger. It triggered a ripple of family members donating their kidneys to others, the “domino effect” ultimately spanning the breadth of the U.S. and resulting in ten people receiving kidneys as a result of one anonymous donor.

Dr. Hamilton further finds that in extending kindness and compassion, we change our brains. He says that acts of kindness “find their way into the chemistry and structure of our brain. If kindness becomes a habit, we can significantly alter the wiring of our brain.” He likens it to learning a new skill, such as a musical instrument. As we continue to practice, we bring about chemical and structural changes that establish “kindness circuits” in our brains, and we wire ourselves for more and more kindness. We replace negative habits with positive ones, selfish ones with kind ones, hostility with empathy, and complaints with gratitude.

Best of all, there aren’t multiple paragraphs of small print warnings accompanying a dose of kindness. Kindness has never been shown to cause nausea, constipation, diarrhea, skin rashes or drowsiness! Nor should it be avoided if you are operating heavy machinery.

Next time you perform an act of kindness … or you are the beneficiary of one … or you simply witness a kindness, pause and notice all the good things you are feeling. Want to feel that way all the time? It’s easy….

“When you carry out acts of kindness you get a wonderful feeling inside. It is as though something inside your body responds and says, yes, this is how I ought to feel.” (Harold Kushner)

Kindness, Service and Leadership

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“It is not the nature of the task, but its consecration, that is the vital thing.” (Martin Buber)

I had the privilege yesterday of spending the day with a roomful of non-profit leaders—both the chief staff executives and the elected leaders of a variety of trade and professional associations. We spent a lot of time talking about the qualities of good leaders. We identified numerous traits the best leaders seem to have, and kindness was certainly among them. So was servant leadership, as well as such qualities as passion, sense of humor, compassion, adaptability, and inspirational. It seems to me the concept of leadership has changed over the three decades I’ve worked with non-profit leaders and boards.

Thirty years ago, people probably wouldn’t have identified “soft” qualities like kindness, sense of humor, or service. They would have named characteristics like forceful, determined, powerful, and strong-willed—none of those words came up yesterday. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when leaders must be forceful or strong-willed, but such qualities don’t appear to define the best leaders anymore. There are still plenty of leaders out there who seem to use fear and aggression as their motivating tactics, but they are in the minority and the dictatorial likes of leaders such as “Chainsaw” Al Dunlap, notorious former CEO of Sunbeam, are fewer and farther between.

Talking about servant leadership reminded me of something Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen has talked about and written about frequently: the difference between fixing, helping, and serving. Dr. Remen—who happens to be one of the most genuinely kind people I’ve ever met—contends that serving is a relationship between equals, but both fixing and helping are relationships based on inequality.

Helping and fixing put a distance between two people. There’s an implied judgment that one is stronger, or perhaps more able. Serving, on the other hand, is a relationship of equals. When we serve, says Remen, we see the wholeness in the person we are serving and we respond to them from our own wholeness. And wholeness—in each of us—includes not just our strength, but also our limitations, our wounds, and our imperfections. This reverberates with the Hindu word “Namaste,” which is often translated as “the divine in me salutes the divine in you.” How could we not be equals if we are both divine and both flawed?

I love the concept that in serving a person or people—or, for that matter, a cause—we are serving life. Not just their life or our life, but life in its broadest and most inclusive sense. Dr. Remen cites Mother Teresa’s message that “we serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy.”

To an outside observer, the acts of serving, fixing, or helping might all look identical, but the inner experience is different for those who are involved, and the outcomes may also be different. Healthcare professionals are familiar with the concept of “compassion fatigue.” This is described by the American Academy of Family Physicians as “a form of burnout that manifests itself as physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.” Compassion fatigue is much more likely when one feels one is always helping or fixing—these activities can be draining or depleting. But service tends more to be renewing and even energizing. Dr. Remen says, “Fundamentally, helping, fixing, and service are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak, when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.” Thus, service is more likely to nourish, rather than consume or exhaust.

Along similar lines, helping and fixing incur debt. If we help someone or fix them, they feel a sense of obligation. If we serve them, we are also serving ourselves. There is no debt, no obligation. We both feel similar satisfaction and similar gratitude. Service is a collaboration.

While kindness is often a component of helping and of fixing, one can help or fix without kindness. In fact, one can help or fix unkindly, harshly, or with a surly attitude, and in doing so, we can diminish another, or cause them to feel inadequate or incomplete. I don’t believe we can serve without kindness. This is what the best leaders have learned … and how they are choosing to live and model leadership. Maybe there is hope for this world…..

“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They’re part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to find other people or to even know they’re alone with an illness. I think I have served people perfectly with parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ” (Rachel Naomi Remen)

A Year of Living Kindly

adventures in trying to live a life of kindness

Category Archives: Kindness