Category Archives: Kindness

This Is How It’s Done

Posted on by

I know a lot of people are sharing these historic messages today. Let me add my voice to the crowd. It’s through gracious acts like these that kindness and civility will be restored after this acrimonious (and seemingly endless) election season. It’s also how we protect our precious democracy:

President George H. W. Bush’s letter to President Bill Clinton:george-bush-letter-to-bill-clinton

Al Gore’s concession speech to George W. Bush:

Vice President Al Gore Concession Speech December 13, 2000

Good evening. Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States — and I promised him that I wouldn’t call him back this time.

I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we just passed.

Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham Lincoln, who had just defeated him for the presidency, “Partisan feeling must yield to patriotism. I’m with you, Mr. President, and God bless you.”

Well, in that same spirit, I say to President-elect Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God bless his stewardship of this country.

Neither he nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Certainly neither of us wanted it to happen. Yet it came, and now it has ended, resolved, as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of our democracy.

Over the library of one of our great law schools is inscribed the motto, “Not under man but under God and law.” That’s the ruling principle of American freedom, the source of our democratic liberties. I’ve tried to make it my guide throughout this contest as it has guided America’s deliberations of all the complex issues of the past five weeks.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the court’s decision, I accept it. I accept the finality of this outcome which will be ratified next Monday in the Electoral College. And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession.

I also accept my responsibility, which I will discharge unconditionally, to honor the new president elect and do everything possible to help him bring Americans together in fulfillment of the great vision that our Declaration of Independence defines and that our Constitution affirms and defends.

Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and supported the cause for which we have fought. Tipper and I feel a deep gratitude to Joe and Hadassah Lieberman who brought passion and high purpose to our partnership and opened new doors, not just for our campaign but for our country.

This has been an extraordinary election. But in one of God’s unforeseen paths, this belatedly broken impasse can point us all to a new common ground, for its very closeness can serve to remind us that we are one people with a shared history and a shared destiny.

Indeed, that history gives us many examples of contests as hotly debated, as fiercely fought, with their own challenges to the popular will.

Other disputes have dragged on for weeks before reaching resolution. And each time, both the victor and the vanquished have accepted the result peacefully and in the spirit of reconciliation.

So let it be with us. I know that many of my supporters are disappointed. I am too. But our disappointment must be overcome by our love of country.

And I say to our fellow members of the world community, let no one see this contest as a sign of American weakness. The strength of American democracy is shown most clearly through the difficulties it can overcome.

Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office. I do not believe it need be so.

President-elect Bush inherits a nation whose citizens will be ready to assist him in the conduct of his large responsibilities.

I personally will be at his disposal, and I call on all Americans–I particularly urge all who stood with us to unite behind our next president. This is America. Just as we fight hard when the stakes are high, we close ranks and come together when the contest is done.

And while there will be time enough to debate our continuing differences, now is the time to recognize that that which unites us is greater than that which divides us.

While we yet hold and do not yield our opposing beliefs, there is a higher duty than the one we owe to political party. This is America and we put country before party. We will stand together behind our new president.

As for what I’ll do next, I don’t know the answer to that one yet. Like many of you, I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with family and old friends. I know I’ll spend time in Tennessee and mend some fences, literally and figuratively.

Some have asked whether I have any regrets and I do have one regret: that I didn’t get the chance to stay and fight for the American people over the next four years, especially for those who need burdens lifted and barriers removed, especially for those who feel their voices have not been heard. I heard you and I will not forget.

I’ve seen America in this campaign and I like what I see. It’s worth fighting for and that’s a fight I’ll never stop.

As for the battle that ends tonight, I do believe as my father once said, that no matter how hard the loss, defeat might serve as well as victory to shape the soul and let the glory out.

So for me this campaign ends as it began: with the love of Tipper and our family; with faith in God and in the country I have been so proud to serve, from Vietnam to the vice presidency; and with gratitude to our truly tireless campaign staff and volunteers, including all those who worked so hard in Florida for the last 36 days.

Now the political struggle is over and we turn again to the unending struggle for the common good of all Americans and for those multitudes around the world who look to us for leadership in the cause of freedom.

In the words of our great hymn, “America, America”’: “Let us crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea.”’

And now, my friends, in a phrase I once addressed to others, it’s time for me to go.

That’s how it’s done….

We Need to Start NOW Thinking About How to Heal from the 2016 Election

Posted on by

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” (James Baldwin)

Attribution: Donna CameronSoon we’ll be confronting one of the biggest tests our country has ever faced. We must heal from the wounds we have inflicted upon one another over the last many months. I have to believe that we as a nation can meet this challenge with wisdom and grace.

But I worry.

This year’s election has been the most angry and divisive that I can recall. Sure, there have been many rancorous presidential elections—when the Vietnam War was a dividing issue, or when differing views on the economy, civil rights, or the environment separated us. There have been elections whose outcomes I cheered, and some I deeply lamented. To be perfectly honest, we have elected presidents whose words, positions, or behaviors made me cringe, and I know that some of the presidents I liked and respected the most made other good people cringe. Maybe that’s a cynical definition of democracy: we support the will of the majority even if at times it makes us cringe. And we continue to work within the system to advocate for what we believe to be right, to be best for our country, and to be best for the future of our children and for the world.

This year, though, I worry that whatever the outcome, it will be extremely difficult to bring us all together. The wounds inflicted have been deep, and bitter feelings abound. These may not be as easy to sweep away as the remnants of political puffery that have been bombarding our mail boxes. In addition, there appears to be a small faction of people who desire to foment a wider divide and deeper rancor—they will oppose reconciliation efforts, supporting an agenda that proliferates in darkness and discord.

Most of the people I know—including myself—have strong feelings about who they want (and don’t want) to see occupying the White House next January. No matter what the outcome, a lot of people are going to be disappointed on November 9. Will those people be able to accept their candidate’s loss and move on to pursue unity as a nation? Equally important, will those on the prevailing side be able to win with grace? Can they understand the pain of losing, even if they may never have understood support for the losing candidate? Can they resist the impulse to gloat, or to smirk, or even to indulge in a happy dance of relief? Winning graciously will not be easy. There will undoubtedly be people on both sides who have no desire to model civility. But we must remember that our children will be watching and learning from how adults respond—whether to victory or to defeat. That responsibility is one we must take very seriously.

We have to ask ourselves now, before we know the outcome of the election: Do we want a united country? Are we still capable of coming together to productively and positively address the complex issues that have divided us: equality, poverty, violence, the environment, economic and social equity, foreign relations, infrastructure, education, health care, and so much more? Of course, we will not agree on how to address these issues, but can we agree to seek civil solutions and respectful engagement? If we focus on what’s best about our country and the values that have been our foundation for nearly 250 years, perhaps we can overcome the schism of the last 18 months.

On November 9, can we take a day, or maybe two, to mourn our loss or quietly celebrate our victory and then come together humbly, without rancor or righteousness, and pledge to be a people united in our commitment to justice, equality, and opportunity for all?

We are Americans. We can do this.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence” (Mahatma Gandhi)

Umm…Let’s Talk About Sex

Posted on by

“For it is in giving that we receive.” (Francis of Assisi)

peacockI first came across this information a few months ago. Of course, I wanted to write a blog post about it right away—this is big news, after all—but I quickly discovered that making it tasteful and appropriate was something of a challenge. Perhaps because the first words I wrote were, “Woo-hoo!”

Then there was the question of a heading for the post. I came up with several and rejected them all—not quite the image YOLK has been cultivating:

  • Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink … There’s a New Reason to Be Kind
  • “Getting Any? Nope? Maybe You’re Not Kind Enough”
  • “Looking for Some Afternoon Delight? Be Kind Every Morning”
  • “Compassion Leads to Passion…and You Can’t Fake It”
  • “Want to Score? Give More!”
  • “Selfish People Have Less Sex…Kind People Have More—What’s Your Pleasure?”

Upon further reflection, I realized that it would be a service—a downright benevolent act—to share this news with readers, and might contribute a fraction to reaching the tipping point that will ultimately change the world from selfish, self-absorbed, and indifferent to kind, caring, involved…and frisky.

If we are to believe Freud (and we have no particular reason to do so—he seems to have been something of a whack-job), sex is the great motivator for humans. Thus, the news from Canadian researchers that people who are altruistic have more sex and more sexual partners might grab the attention of some—particularly college students and men of any age who collect comic books and still live in their parents’ basement.

In an article entitled, “Altruism Predicts Mating Success in Humans,” Canadian psychologist Steven Arnocky reports that, all else being equal, “altruists are more attractive than non-altruists,” and “this may translate into real mating success.”

Reporting in the British Journal of Psychology, Arnocky and his colleagues from Nipissing University, Ontario, describe two studies showing that participants who demonstrated generosity and altruism “were more desirable to the opposite sex, as well as reported having more sex partners, more casual sex partners, and having sex more often within relationships.”

Arnocky and his colleagues explain this phenomenon by noting that altruistic behavior is what biologists refer to as a “costly signal” — it requires some effort, but also trumpets one’s most attractive characteristics to potential partners (think of the male peacock). This conveys to potential mates that the prospect will not only be kind and generous in general, but also in the bedroom. That’s a pretty potent incentive.

Arnocky further notes that this dynamic seems to take place in our subconscious, resulting in natural selection that rewards the kindest and most altruistic among us, replicating that quality in future generations. It may seem hard to imagine, given the incivility that surrounds us today, but let’s grasp at straws and begin imagining that kind and generous people are smiling for reasons beyond their compassion. And those blustering, bullying narcissists are to be pitied not just for their limiting mind-set, but also their shortcomings in the romance department.

I’ve been writing about the benefits of kindness for nearly two years: health benefits, wealth advantages, improved relationships, greater life satisfaction, personal and professional success…. The different benefits will hold varying appeal to people for assorted reasons. This latest benefit might attract the attention of those who have yet to become believers in kindness. And for the rest of us, it’s one more good reason to always choose kindness. Woo-hoo!

“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” (Mary Schmich)

Patients of Kind Doctors Heal Faster

Posted on by

“It’s a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other.” (Aldous Huxley)

attribution: Donna CameronI’ve written a few times about the health benefits of kindness. There’s considerable evidence that extending, receiving, and even witnessing kindness improves cardiac health, increases longevity, boosts immune system functioning, reduces stress, and alleviates social anxiety. Now, we’re also learning that having a kind doctor or health care practitioner has a direct impact on our health and healing, as well.

There is a growing body of research showing that a doctor’s disposition and attitude toward his patients influences their health and healing. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine reported that patients whose doctors expressed empathy suffered from a cold for one day fewer than patients whose physicians focused on just the facts and symptoms of the illness. They reported that physician empathy also boosted the patients’ immune systems. There was a direct relation between a physician’s empathy level and his patient’s level of IL-8, a chemical that activates immune system cells to fight disease. This is just one of many recent studies confirming the importance of kindness and empathy in health care providers.

This is something I’ve sensed intuitively for many years, but only recently seen the hard evidence. Kind doctors have better outcomes.

When we first moved to Washington many years ago, I rather randomly selected a primary care physician based on the location of her office and availability the first time I needed to see a doctor. Over the ten or so years that she was my doctor, there were times I saw her that she was friendly, compassionate, and communicative, and other times when she was brusque, taciturn, and remote. I was generally reluctant to call for an appointment because I never knew whether I was going to see Dr. Jekyll or Dr. Hyde. Inertia and good health were the major factors keeping me from seeking another physician.

However, there was an occasion when I needed a medical appointment quickly and my own doctor was out of town so I was referred to a colleague, “Dr. T,” a young doctor who had just joined the practice. I loved her! She answered all my questions, spoke to me as an equal, and never once looked at her watch. I came home elated and told Bill that I had found his doctor, since he hadn’t yet selected a primary care physician. He started seeing Dr. T and loved her as much as I had.

Idiot that I am/was, I stayed with my first physician—out of loyalty, stupidity, and even the fear of hurting her feelings. Then one day a few years later, I received a form letter from her announcing that she was leaving the practice and leaving medicine to “find her passion.” I realized as I read her letter that passion had certainly been absent during my interactions with her. I’m glad she realized it, too, and I sincerely hope she has found her passion, whatever that might be.

I quickly declared Dr. T to be my new physician and was amazed and delighted to see how different medical care could be. She spends as much time as needed with her patients (as a result, appointments are rarely on time, but with a good book and understanding that she is giving every patient the thorough care we receive, delays never bother us). She listens without interrupting, admits when she doesn’t know something, and follows up with us to see how we’re doing. I am confident in both the care and the health guidance she provides. I feel—and I think she does, too—that we’re partners in maintaining my health. What a difference!

Over the years, Dr. T has referred me to a few specialists for surgeries or special care outside of her purview. With few exceptions, each of these docs have demonstrated the same care and empathy—the same kindness. I have been so lucky to have physician partners as I’ve navigated a few serious or chronic illnesses.

One exception was an orthopedist who set my broken wrist after a fall. Each time I saw him for follow-up I told him I thought there was also a problem with my thumb, as the wrist was clearly healing but the thumb remained painfully immobile. He pointed to the x-rays indicating that the wrist was healing and said he saw no problem with the thumb. Finally, after more than a month of him dismissing my concerns I insisted quite fiercely that they take the x-ray from a different angle. When he looked at it, he said (I swear to God), “It’s as I suspected, you also have a fracture in the base of your thumb.” He said it with a straight face as he sent me off to have a new cast made.

That exception just highlighted for me the extreme difference between having doctors who listened and who didn’t, and whom I trusted or did not.

Of course, focusing on a physician’s kindness or empathy in no way diminishes the importance of her competence. The best care must involve both. David Haslam, chair of the U.K’s National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), has written that kindness, compassion and trust “are the pillars supporting the whole structure of care” in the British National Health Service. He notes that these important values are not optional extras in the health care system, “they are core, central, and vital … they have a profound effect on outcomes.”

In an article entitled, “Why Kindness Heals,” Dr. James Doty, Professor of Neurosurgery at Stanford University School of Medicine, notes that “kindness, compassion and empathy have a profound effect on healing.” He reports that evidence from psychology, neuroscience, and even economics supports the importance of human connection between patient and physician in improving physiology and health. Without such connection, there is evidence that “immune function and wound healing can be negatively affected.”

Jeffrey Young, writing for Dignity Health, cites several studies that support the health benefits of compassionate care. He references a study in Social Science and Medicine finding that patients of courteous and sympathetic doctors showed marked improvements in symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome and quality of life. He also cited a study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal which found that kind, respectful communication between doctor and patient improves patients’ emotional health and results in faster recovery. Yet another study published in The Spine Journal showed that a doctor’s ability to empathize and listen effectively yields better pain relief outcomes.

I have heard that medical schools are putting a bit more emphasis on developing the physicians’ interpersonal skills as well as their technical competence. Knowing that burnout is a serious issue for doctors and other health care practitioners, it is my hope that kindness, compassion, and improved communication not only benefit the patient, but also help the physician to better cope with the stress and pressures of their important job.

As pharmaceutical companies search for the next magic pill we would do well to remember that kindness may be the best medicine of all!

“Words of kindness are more healing to a drooping heart than balm or honey.” (Sarah Fielding)

 

Hello In There, Hello…

Posted on by

“The saddest thing about old age is our idea of it.” (Marty Rubin)

attribution: Donna CameronOne of the common insights expressed by elderly people is that with age comes invisibility. In a Psychology Today blog post, psychiatrist Tamara McClintock Greenberg noted that many of her elderly patients describe feeling invisible as they shop or stroll or ride a bus. Once aware of that impression, she began to notice it herself: “And then it happened to me. I realized that when I walk down the street, younger people simply don’t see me.” She explains it thus: “We live in a youth-fixated culture where people are afraid to age and to be vulnerable to growing older; where ideals about attractiveness are oriented around those with young, healthy bodies.”

How sad that people who have worked, and struggled, and contributed all their lives often fade from view, perceived—if at all—as insignificant and irrelevant. Still very much alive, they disappear like phantoms, forgotten and alone.

“Hello In There” was a beautiful song from John Prine’s first album in 1971 (this YouTube version is accompanied by fantastic photos). It piercingly describes the loneliness of old age. I was touched by it when I first heard it in my teens; today, its powerful refrain strikes much closer to home:

You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, “Hello in there, hello”

If a kindness movement is going to take root and grow, it must encompass everyone, including our oldest and most invisible citizens. That means changing many prevailing attitudes toward aging and the aged.

Recently, I’ve come across stories that have illustrated the loneliness many elderly people experience, and kindnesses extended to them:

  • Officers in Manchester, England, responded to a call for help from Doris Thomson, assuming that either she or her 95-year-old husband, Fred, had fallen or injured themselves. What they found, though, was that Doris and Fred “were simply lonely and wanted to share a chat and, perhaps a cup of tea with someone.” The responding officers recognized the more subtle facets of their job as protectors of the public; they brewed a pot of tea and sat down to chat with the elderly couple. The two officers later faced some criticism for “wasting time,” but they stood by their decision to provide comfort during a time of need. Fortunately, their act of kindness was perceived by many to have been an appropriate and splendid deed.
  • Earlier this month, police in Rome responded to a report of crying coming from an apartment to find an elderly couple who had been “driven to tears through a combination of loneliness and viewing upsetting news reports on TV.” The four responding officers offered companionship—as well as a warm meal. They visited with 84-year-old Jole and her 94-year-old husband, Michele, as they cooked up a meal of pasta for the couple.
  • In another story from England earlier this month, an elderly woman who had fallen while running a bath tried to call her daughter for help, but misdialed and instead reached a BMW dealership a few miles from her home. When the manager realized what had happened he had his receptionist stay on the phone with the woman while he drove over to help her. He found her front-door unlocked and entered to find her on the floor, with blood on her face, and her tub overflowing. He helped her to a sofa and covered her with a blanket, then waited with her until her family arrived to care for her.
  • And in Hartford, Connecticut, 911 dispatcher Katherine Grady was at the end of her shift when she took a call from an 86-year-old woman, Francis Royer. Francis is disabled and has a heart condition and just wanted to know if there was someone who could help her take her garbage out the next day, as it had been two weeks since she had been able to roll her garbage barrels to the end of her driveway. Grady promised Ms. Royer that she would come over to help the next day, which happened to be her day off. She not only came to take out the garbage, but she stayed to visit and to help dispose of some heavy items and newspapers from Royer’s basement.

The responses to these cries for help are moving and encouraging, but what concerns me most is that very few elderly people who need help will ask for it. They’re proud, they’re afraid, and very often they simply have no one to call. They continue in their isolation, hoping for a knock on the door, a call from a friend or family member, even a smile from a stranger—someone to say to them, “Hello in there, hello.” But they remain invisible.

We can’t turn away from people because they move more slowly, or perhaps no longer hear as well as they once did. Nor can we discount them even if they’re sometimes—or always—confused or frail. Growing old is a condition we cannot ignore or avoid. Sure, we all want to be as healthy and able as possible in our final years, but for some of us that will not be possible, and we need to honor every person for the sum and complexity of who they are and the life they lived.

What goes around comes around. If we teach our children that old people don’t matter, if we condone the invisibility our society confers on the aged, we invite that same experience for ourselves when our time comes, and for our children when it’s their turn. And, most importantly, we discount the value of every life.

Maybe it’s fear that causes us to look away, perhaps discomfort, or obliviousness, but we owe it to our elders to treat them with respect and kindness. For those of us who choose to live a life of kindness, extending kindness to our oldest and frailest companions on this journey is a privilege. There is much we can learn from the oldest members of our society. Let’s appreciate all they have to teach us and give them the respect they deserve.

“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.” (Abraham Joshua Heschel)