Tag Archives: Unkindness

A Call for Radical Kindness and Fierce Civility (3rd and final part)

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“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.” (Maya Angelou)

Attribution: Donna Cameron[In part one, we looked at the epidemic of incivility that surrounds us and promises to get worse in the weeks ahead. We talked about the need for kindness and the courage it takes to be a kind person. In part two, we looked at how to exercise that ferocious kindness in service to the world. In this final part, we look at some of the biggest challenges to our commitment and the pledge we must make daily if we are to change the world. Here’s part three.]

There are people who are deliberately unkind and intentionally provocative. They are fueled by name-calling and inciting conflict. Often, they make outrageous claims—denying the Holocaust, saying Sandy Hook was a hoax, claiming masks only spread COVID-19. Engaging with such people just fuels them. You’re not going to change their minds with reason, data, or facts. Their minds are closed.

Do yourself and the world a favor and don’t engage with them. Don’t argue, don’t debate, and don’t give them a moment of your attention. Withholding interaction is like removing oxygen from a fire. It will sputter out and die. Just as oxygen feeds fire, attention is fuel for bigots, bullies, and fanatics. If enough of us withhold our attention, those people will lose any power they may have. They will wither and be seen only for the pathetic creatures they are.

What about the people I simply cannot avoid?

There are people we can’t escape. They may be family members, a close friend’s irritating spouse, or one of your company’s top clients. If the person is rational and open to civil discourse, see if you can engage thoughtfully, preferably by employing your curiosity:

“Hmmm, that hasn’t been my experience at all. Why do you think that?”

“I wonder how solid that evidence is. Here’s what my research has shown….”

Focus less on changing their views as on understanding them. If it’s clear that you can’t have a respectful conversation, look for a safe subject: “Let’s talk about something else. Did you see the [weather report, latest epic movie, basketball game…]? If you can’t avoid a truly disagreeable person, look for some common ground that you can share whenever you have to be in their company. Puppies are always good, so is vegetable gardening. When all else fails, silence can be golden.

How do I deal with someone whose politics sicken me?

Continue reading →

A Call for Radical Kindness and Fierce Civility (Part 2)

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“If you want to be a rebel, be kind.” (Pancho Ramos Stierle)

Attribution: Donna Cameron[In part one, we looked at the epidemic of incivility that surrounds us and promises to get worse in the days leading up to—and following—the November 3rd election. We talked about the courage it takes to be a kind person and how bold and insistent kindness is what the times call for. Today, we’re going to look at how to exercise that ferocious kindness in service to the world. Here’s part two.]

Marcel Proust wisely observed, “Unkind people imagine themselves to be inflicting pain on someone equally unkind.” We reinforce that belief when we treat such people with the same discourtesy they showed us. When we change the dynamic, we may not change that individual, but we offer witnesses a clear choice, and we fortify our own values. In choosing kindness, we are the ones determining the rules of the game.

Extending kindness only to those who are “worthy” is not being our best self. We don’t have to like someone—or even respect them—to be kind to them. We are kind because of who we are, not who they are.

OK, but how do I do that?

Remember the old joke about the tourist in New York City asking how to get to Carnegie Hall? And the answer: Practice, buddy, practice.

Like anything we want to do well, it takes practice. We’re gonna have plenty of opportunities to practice in the coming weeks and months.

Think about a time when someone spoke rudely to you, or belittled another person in your presence. Did your response to them reflect the best of who you are? Now, think about how else you might respond, what you could say that reflects your values and upholds courageous kindness.

Think not only about what you might say, but how you will say it. Your tone of voice. Your facial expression. How you stand to convey your strength and resolve. Then practice doing it, saying it. Experience what it feels like to be strong and kind. Then, when you find yourself in such a situation, you will know how you want to respond and will have the skill and the courage to do it.

Practice saying aloud such phrases as: Continue reading →

A Call for Radical Kindness and Fierce Civility (Part 1)

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“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Attribution: Donna Cameron[Dear friends, at a time when despair and hope alternately pervade my days—and possibly yours, too—I find I am writing to understand, to connect, and to seek solutions. I wrote this article in the hope that it might help those of us who believe fervently in kindness, yet also fear the bleak days ahead. As my anxiety grows, my attention span seems to shrink, so rather than one long blog post, I’m going to be offering three short ones over the next week. Here’s part one.]

A Call for Radical Kindness and Fierce Civility

Another election looms. For months, we’ve been seeing the same distressing behaviors we saw in 2016 and 2018. In the remaining days before November 3, it will only get worse. And after November 3, the divide will remain—deep, rancorous, and corroding—there is no magic outcome that will heal our nation. It’s going to be up to each of us to commit to healing.

Despite all, I still believe that kindness is how we will take back our political and social discourse and counter rampant incivility. Not a meek kindness, or a complacent acquiescence, but a bold insistence on courtesy, consideration, and respect. The more of us who recognize the power of kindness and exercise both the courage to use it and the commitment that we will not settle for less, the sooner we will turn the tide.

As I’ve said before, we’re in the midst of an epidemic of incivility. We see it in political rallies, on our streets and highways, throughout social media . . . and we see it in the ways we talk to one another and about one another. It isn’t pretty . . . and it’s disheartening to even a once-fervent optimist. Continue reading →

Fear and Trembling In 2020

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“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” (Gandhi)

There are three dimensions of fear, as it relates to kindness.

Extending Kindness

First, fear inhibits us from extending kindness. We fear rejection, we fear being misunderstood, or appearing clumsy, embarrassing or calling attention to ourselves. Simply put, we fear the vulnerability of not knowing how our kindness will play out. It feels safer to do nothing.

A good question to ask if we’re hesitating to extend a kindness is, “Could my kindness here make a positive difference?” Then focus your attention on doing good.

Receiving Kindness

Sometimes, fear gets in the way of our receiving kindness. We may fear being perceived as weak or needy. Perhaps we want to maintain a distance between ourselves and the giver and fear strings may be attached to the proffered kindness. Maybe we fear we don’t deserve the kindness. Receiving can be just as awkward and clumsy as giving. Accepting the kindness of others with grace and appreciation is itself an act of kindness. And it should be a pretty easy one. But it takes practice. Whether you are offered a material gift, assistance, or a compliment, receive it graciously—and gratefully—and savor the kindness.

Perhaps the question to ask is, “What’s the most gracious response here?” We’re never wrong if we offer the best of who we are.

Behaving Unkindly

Fear is at the heart of so many unkind actions. When we feel stupid or inept, or threatened by a new and intimidating experience, we often lash out. When our security or beliefs are tested, or when circumstances challenge us to change our way of thinking, we go on the offensive. We say something rude, we belittle, we behave inconsiderately. Continue reading →

Does Everybody Deserve Our Kindness?

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“The secret of living well is not in having all the answers, but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company.” (Rachel Naomi Remen, MD)

Attribution: Donna CameronSince publication of A Year of Living Kindly last fall, I’ve had numerous opportunities to talk with groups about kindness. What an immense privilege! People aren’t shy about sharing their own stories of kindness, and the questions they ask are nearly always wise and perceptive. It’s like that with blogging, too—your comments invite me to see a different perspective, or sometimes they make me think a bit more deeply about my topic. And sometimes you make me laugh when I need it most.

I’ve noticed that often the same question will come up in talks and on the blog at almost the same time. It may just be coincidence, but it may also be triggered by a current event or a high-profile news story.

Recently, one question has surfaced repeatedly. The wording may have been different, but the meaning the same:

  • “Why should I be kind to unkind people?”
  • “Isn’t treating a jerk with kindness just rewarding him for being a jerk?”
  • “Does everybody deserve our kindness?”

Such a provocative question: does everybody deserve our kindness? Continue reading →