Tag Archives: Compassion

To Give or Not to Give

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“Wherever there is a human in need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference.” (Kevin Heath)

Attribution: Donna CameronOver these last couple of years of writing and talking about kindness, a consistently controversial topic of conversation has been whether or not to give money to panhandlers and homeless people. I know people who always try to carry a stash of dollar bills to hand out when they can. An acquaintance keeps socks and hygiene products in her car and offers them to people who appear to be in need.

I also know people—good people—who are vehement that such handouts are wrong-headed and counter-productive. They say the people seeking our dollars are just lazy; if given money, they’ll use it for drugs or alcohol. We’re just enabling them, they tell me.

While attending a conference in Washington, D.C., several years back, I was walking to dinner with a colleague after a long day of meetings. We were stopped on the sidewalk by a young man who asked if we could help him out with any spare change. I reached into my wallet and handed him a dollar. He walked on and so did we. However, for the remainder of our walk and well into our dinner, my friend scolded me for giving the man money. She said he was probably a freeloader who didn’t want to work and made his living conning and begging tourists and bleeding-hearts like me. How did I know that he was really in need, or that he wouldn’t spend the money on drugs or alcohol? She said I was just making the problem worse by handing him money on the street. If he was really in need, there were social service agencies that could help.

I was surprised by her vehemence—I knew her to be a very kind person. She was a nurse, for heaven’s sake! I may have tried to defend my action, but mostly I was just embarrassed. Not embarrassed to have given money, but embarrassed to be scolded like a school-girl. I think I would be more assertive and confident in my reply today.

Nonetheless, I am somewhat chagrined to admit that since that evening I rarely give anyone money when I am in the company of a friend, a business colleague, or even my husband. I’m not proud that I have allowed my fear of embarrassment to inhibit my kindness. I’ve even rationalized it to some degree: this way, when I give someone money, I am freer to stop and exchange a few words with that individual and I don’t have to feel rushed or worry that I’m delaying my companion, or making them uncomfortable. It is a rationalization, though. I fear judgment.

My friend Nancy recently sent me an editorial from the New York Times Opinion Page, entitled, “The Pope on Panhandling: Give Without Worry.” It quotes Pope Francis as saying that it’s “always right” to give to those in need.

When questioned about people who may use the money for drink, Pope Francis said, “[If] a glass of wine is the only happiness he has in life, that’s OK. Instead, ask yourself what do you do on the sly? What ‘happiness’ do you seek in secret?” (I confess, Your Holiness, it’s chocolate.) He also explains that those of us who are “luckier”—who have homes, and families, and jobs—have a responsibility to those less fortunate. Clearly, this is a view not held by all, but it’s one that fills me with hope.

Further, the Pope explains, what counts as much as giving is how we give. It’s not a matter of dropping money into a cup or quickly handing over a dollar and rushing on, but “looking them in the eyes and touching their hands.”

It’s also exchanging a few words. Even if our own pockets happen to be empty, we can always give the gift of seeing someone, respecting them, and acknowledging our shared humanity.

A couple of years ago, I attended a weekend conference in Pittsburgh. It was late May and the weather was glorious. I had a free afternoon, so I walked to a nearby park and sat on a bench with a book. I divided my time between reading and appreciating the sights around me—children playing on the lawn, couples strolling hand-in-hand, squirrels, dogs, flowers, and endless varieties of trees and birds. I remember feeling the overwhelming sense of how fortunate I was to be able to experience it all. For a time, gratitude filled every pore.

After a while, I walked to a local restaurant and ordered lunch, still able to watch the activity of the park and the busy street outside. I asked the waitress to box up my fruit salad and the remaining, untouched half of my sandwich, thinking they would make a fine dinner. Walking back toward my hotel, I felt the fullness of my life and the amazing privilege of when, where, and how I am living. A block or so from my hotel, I noticed an elderly man slumped in a wheelchair. At his side was a can with a few coins in it and a small cardboard sign with lettering that said, “Please Help.”

I stopped and greeted him. Then I said, “I have a half a turkey sandwich here and some fruit salad. Would you like them?”

His eyes widened and he said, “I surely would.” I handed the restaurant bag to him and also reached into my purse for a couple of dollars, which I also handed him. We talked for a minute or two and I noticed how his eyes held a lively twinkle. When I resumed my walk toward my hotel, I felt even lighter and happier than I had before. My brief interaction with the man had felt good. While I’m sure he appreciated the sandwich and the few dollars I handed him, I sensed that even more, he appreciated being seen. He was used to people averting their eyes, ignoring him as they quickly walked by, even occasionally dropping some change or a couple of dollars into his can, but then rushing off without a word.

I think my own gratitude that day opened me to extending a kindness and offering not just the gift of food or money, but the gift of my genuine attention. I received a cherished gift that afternoon.

And maybe that’s a way of thinking about the question of whether or not to give to panhandlers and homeless people. Does your small gift of money, kind words, or attention offer you a gift, as well? Does it make your heart just a little bit bigger…and do you hear it sing just a bit sweeter?

What are your thoughts on giving to street people and the homeless?

“A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives the rose.” (Chinese Proverb)

 

Now the Real Work Begins…

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“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” (Victor Frankl)

Attribution: Donna Cameron[Note: when I drafted this message, I anticipated and envisioned a very different end to our election. I will admit that I am devastated. But, with some edits, my basic message for today’s post stays the same. And perhaps the underlying message of kindness is even more important. Wishing you peace wherever you can find it, my friends….]

It’s over. At. Long. Last. The election that brought us to new heights of incivility, mistrust, and disregard for the truth has come to an end. Or has it?

A lot of people are really happy today and a lot of people are not. Today we face a choice almost as important as the one that was made at the polls: how are we going to respond in the face of winning or losing?

It’s difficult after a hard-fought campaign to let go of the partisanship and rancor that accompanied the crusade. Those on the winning side may feel inclined to gloat, smirk, or dance a jig to celebrate their victory (and maybe rub it in to those on the opposing side).

Do it in private. Thumb your nose or do your happy dance in the privacy of your home, your office, your room, or even your bathroom if that is the only private place you can find. Be aware that people on the other side of this election are hurting. Even if you can’t understand their position, surely you can understand their pain. Don’t make it worse.

Those on the losing side may feel anger, resentment, fear, and bewilderment. They may be feeling crushed by disappointment and a powerful urge to lash out. Don’t. Pause and pause again. Trust that the concerns you have which motivated you to vote as you did can be addressed fairly in our democracy. Trust that something good can emerge. Trust that you are strong and your voice will be heard.

I would remind both sides that our children are watching closely, and learning lifelong lessons from what they see. Let’s show them how to win with grace and lose with grace. Because throughout their lives they will experience both victory and defeat.

Whether you are happy today or unhappy, whether you feel hope or hopeless, look for ways to channel your energy and (re)direct it to something positive, something that will serve your best self and the values America holds dear. As stated in the Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Let’s start there.

Our Democracy is not indestructible. It is precious. Heed the words of Abraham Lincoln in Gettysburg on November 19, 1863, and act to assure that our “government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Whether your candidate won or lost, behave with grace and compassion. Vow to be instrumental in healing America. Start today.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” (L.R. Knost)

We Need to Start NOW Thinking About How to Heal from the 2016 Election

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“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” (James Baldwin)

Attribution: Donna CameronSoon we’ll be confronting one of the biggest tests our country has ever faced. We must heal from the wounds we have inflicted upon one another over the last many months. I have to believe that we as a nation can meet this challenge with wisdom and grace.

But I worry.

This year’s election has been the most angry and divisive that I can recall. Sure, there have been many rancorous presidential elections—when the Vietnam War was a dividing issue, or when differing views on the economy, civil rights, or the environment separated us. There have been elections whose outcomes I cheered, and some I deeply lamented. To be perfectly honest, we have elected presidents whose words, positions, or behaviors made me cringe, and I know that some of the presidents I liked and respected the most made other good people cringe. Maybe that’s a cynical definition of democracy: we support the will of the majority even if at times it makes us cringe. And we continue to work within the system to advocate for what we believe to be right, to be best for our country, and to be best for the future of our children and for the world.

This year, though, I worry that whatever the outcome, it will be extremely difficult to bring us all together. The wounds inflicted have been deep, and bitter feelings abound. These may not be as easy to sweep away as the remnants of political puffery that have been bombarding our mail boxes. In addition, there appears to be a small faction of people who desire to foment a wider divide and deeper rancor—they will oppose reconciliation efforts, supporting an agenda that proliferates in darkness and discord.

Most of the people I know—including myself—have strong feelings about who they want (and don’t want) to see occupying the White House next January. No matter what the outcome, a lot of people are going to be disappointed on November 9. Will those people be able to accept their candidate’s loss and move on to pursue unity as a nation? Equally important, will those on the prevailing side be able to win with grace? Can they understand the pain of losing, even if they may never have understood support for the losing candidate? Can they resist the impulse to gloat, or to smirk, or even to indulge in a happy dance of relief? Winning graciously will not be easy. There will undoubtedly be people on both sides who have no desire to model civility. But we must remember that our children will be watching and learning from how adults respond—whether to victory or to defeat. That responsibility is one we must take very seriously.

We have to ask ourselves now, before we know the outcome of the election: Do we want a united country? Are we still capable of coming together to productively and positively address the complex issues that have divided us: equality, poverty, violence, the environment, economic and social equity, foreign relations, infrastructure, education, health care, and so much more? Of course, we will not agree on how to address these issues, but can we agree to seek civil solutions and respectful engagement? If we focus on what’s best about our country and the values that have been our foundation for nearly 250 years, perhaps we can overcome the schism of the last 18 months.

On November 9, can we take a day, or maybe two, to mourn our loss or quietly celebrate our victory and then come together humbly, without rancor or righteousness, and pledge to be a people united in our commitment to justice, equality, and opportunity for all?

We are Americans. We can do this.

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence” (Mahatma Gandhi)

Umm…Let’s Talk About Sex

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“For it is in giving that we receive.” (Francis of Assisi)

peacockI first came across this information a few months ago. Of course, I wanted to write a blog post about it right away—this is big news, after all—but I quickly discovered that making it tasteful and appropriate was something of a challenge. Perhaps because the first words I wrote were, “Woo-hoo!”

Then there was the question of a heading for the post. I came up with several and rejected them all—not quite the image YOLK has been cultivating:

  • Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink … There’s a New Reason to Be Kind
  • “Getting Any? Nope? Maybe You’re Not Kind Enough”
  • “Looking for Some Afternoon Delight? Be Kind Every Morning”
  • “Compassion Leads to Passion…and You Can’t Fake It”
  • “Want to Score? Give More!”
  • “Selfish People Have Less Sex…Kind People Have More—What’s Your Pleasure?”

Upon further reflection, I realized that it would be a service—a downright benevolent act—to share this news with readers, and might contribute a fraction to reaching the tipping point that will ultimately change the world from selfish, self-absorbed, and indifferent to kind, caring, involved…and frisky.

If we are to believe Freud (and we have no particular reason to do so—he seems to have been something of a whack-job), sex is the great motivator for humans. Thus, the news from Canadian researchers that people who are altruistic have more sex and more sexual partners might grab the attention of some—particularly college students and men of any age who collect comic books and still live in their parents’ basement.

In an article entitled, “Altruism Predicts Mating Success in Humans,” Canadian psychologist Steven Arnocky reports that, all else being equal, “altruists are more attractive than non-altruists,” and “this may translate into real mating success.”

Reporting in the British Journal of Psychology, Arnocky and his colleagues from Nipissing University, Ontario, describe two studies showing that participants who demonstrated generosity and altruism “were more desirable to the opposite sex, as well as reported having more sex partners, more casual sex partners, and having sex more often within relationships.”

Arnocky and his colleagues explain this phenomenon by noting that altruistic behavior is what biologists refer to as a “costly signal” — it requires some effort, but also trumpets one’s most attractive characteristics to potential partners (think of the male peacock). This conveys to potential mates that the prospect will not only be kind and generous in general, but also in the bedroom. That’s a pretty potent incentive.

Arnocky further notes that this dynamic seems to take place in our subconscious, resulting in natural selection that rewards the kindest and most altruistic among us, replicating that quality in future generations. It may seem hard to imagine, given the incivility that surrounds us today, but let’s grasp at straws and begin imagining that kind and generous people are smiling for reasons beyond their compassion. And those blustering, bullying narcissists are to be pitied not just for their limiting mind-set, but also their shortcomings in the romance department.

I’ve been writing about the benefits of kindness for nearly two years: health benefits, wealth advantages, improved relationships, greater life satisfaction, personal and professional success…. The different benefits will hold varying appeal to people for assorted reasons. This latest benefit might attract the attention of those who have yet to become believers in kindness. And for the rest of us, it’s one more good reason to always choose kindness. Woo-hoo!

“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” (Mary Schmich)

Patients of Kind Doctors Heal Faster

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“It’s a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other.” (Aldous Huxley)

attribution: Donna CameronI’ve written a few times about the health benefits of kindness. There’s considerable evidence that extending, receiving, and even witnessing kindness improves cardiac health, increases longevity, boosts immune system functioning, reduces stress, and alleviates social anxiety. Now, we’re also learning that having a kind doctor or health care practitioner has a direct impact on our health and healing, as well.

There is a growing body of research showing that a doctor’s disposition and attitude toward his patients influences their health and healing. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine reported that patients whose doctors expressed empathy suffered from a cold for one day fewer than patients whose physicians focused on just the facts and symptoms of the illness. They reported that physician empathy also boosted the patients’ immune systems. There was a direct relation between a physician’s empathy level and his patient’s level of IL-8, a chemical that activates immune system cells to fight disease. This is just one of many recent studies confirming the importance of kindness and empathy in health care providers.

This is something I’ve sensed intuitively for many years, but only recently seen the hard evidence. Kind doctors have better outcomes.

When we first moved to Washington many years ago, I rather randomly selected a primary care physician based on the location of her office and availability the first time I needed to see a doctor. Over the ten or so years that she was my doctor, there were times I saw her that she was friendly, compassionate, and communicative, and other times when she was brusque, taciturn, and remote. I was generally reluctant to call for an appointment because I never knew whether I was going to see Dr. Jekyll or Dr. Hyde. Inertia and good health were the major factors keeping me from seeking another physician.

However, there was an occasion when I needed a medical appointment quickly and my own doctor was out of town so I was referred to a colleague, “Dr. T,” a young doctor who had just joined the practice. I loved her! She answered all my questions, spoke to me as an equal, and never once looked at her watch. I came home elated and told Bill that I had found his doctor, since he hadn’t yet selected a primary care physician. He started seeing Dr. T and loved her as much as I had.

Idiot that I am/was, I stayed with my first physician—out of loyalty, stupidity, and even the fear of hurting her feelings. Then one day a few years later, I received a form letter from her announcing that she was leaving the practice and leaving medicine to “find her passion.” I realized as I read her letter that passion had certainly been absent during my interactions with her. I’m glad she realized it, too, and I sincerely hope she has found her passion, whatever that might be.

I quickly declared Dr. T to be my new physician and was amazed and delighted to see how different medical care could be. She spends as much time as needed with her patients (as a result, appointments are rarely on time, but with a good book and understanding that she is giving every patient the thorough care we receive, delays never bother us). She listens without interrupting, admits when she doesn’t know something, and follows up with us to see how we’re doing. I am confident in both the care and the health guidance she provides. I feel—and I think she does, too—that we’re partners in maintaining my health. What a difference!

Over the years, Dr. T has referred me to a few specialists for surgeries or special care outside of her purview. With few exceptions, each of these docs have demonstrated the same care and empathy—the same kindness. I have been so lucky to have physician partners as I’ve navigated a few serious or chronic illnesses.

One exception was an orthopedist who set my broken wrist after a fall. Each time I saw him for follow-up I told him I thought there was also a problem with my thumb, as the wrist was clearly healing but the thumb remained painfully immobile. He pointed to the x-rays indicating that the wrist was healing and said he saw no problem with the thumb. Finally, after more than a month of him dismissing my concerns I insisted quite fiercely that they take the x-ray from a different angle. When he looked at it, he said (I swear to God), “It’s as I suspected, you also have a fracture in the base of your thumb.” He said it with a straight face as he sent me off to have a new cast made.

That exception just highlighted for me the extreme difference between having doctors who listened and who didn’t, and whom I trusted or did not.

Of course, focusing on a physician’s kindness or empathy in no way diminishes the importance of her competence. The best care must involve both. David Haslam, chair of the U.K’s National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), has written that kindness, compassion and trust “are the pillars supporting the whole structure of care” in the British National Health Service. He notes that these important values are not optional extras in the health care system, “they are core, central, and vital … they have a profound effect on outcomes.”

In an article entitled, “Why Kindness Heals,” Dr. James Doty, Professor of Neurosurgery at Stanford University School of Medicine, notes that “kindness, compassion and empathy have a profound effect on healing.” He reports that evidence from psychology, neuroscience, and even economics supports the importance of human connection between patient and physician in improving physiology and health. Without such connection, there is evidence that “immune function and wound healing can be negatively affected.”

Jeffrey Young, writing for Dignity Health, cites several studies that support the health benefits of compassionate care. He references a study in Social Science and Medicine finding that patients of courteous and sympathetic doctors showed marked improvements in symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome and quality of life. He also cited a study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal which found that kind, respectful communication between doctor and patient improves patients’ emotional health and results in faster recovery. Yet another study published in The Spine Journal showed that a doctor’s ability to empathize and listen effectively yields better pain relief outcomes.

I have heard that medical schools are putting a bit more emphasis on developing the physicians’ interpersonal skills as well as their technical competence. Knowing that burnout is a serious issue for doctors and other health care practitioners, it is my hope that kindness, compassion, and improved communication not only benefit the patient, but also help the physician to better cope with the stress and pressures of their important job.

As pharmaceutical companies search for the next magic pill we would do well to remember that kindness may be the best medicine of all!

“Words of kindness are more healing to a drooping heart than balm or honey.” (Sarah Fielding)