Kindness and Curiosity

Posted on May 20, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“Curiosity is the single most important attribute with which humans are born. More than a simple desire to discover or know things, curiosity is a powerful tool, like a scalpel or a searchlight. Curiosity changes us. It is also a way to effect change, perhaps even on a global level.” (Loren Rhoads)

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” (Albert Einstein)

Twice in the last week I’ve seen kindness equated with curiosity. That made me curious. I’ve always thought curiosity is an important quality to have if one wants a rich and insightful life, but I hadn’t directly connected curiosity with the value I hold dear: kindness.

In an article entitled “Kindness and Curiosity in Coaching” that recently appeared in the Huffington Post, business consultant and executive coach Ruth Henderson described how her mother would posit a kind explanation for other people’s behavior: after being cut off by a speeder, Ruth’s mom speculated, “Maybe his wife’s having a baby and he’s trying to get to the hospital.”

Later, when Ruth was a business professional, her own coach encouraged her to approach difficult or frustrating situations with an inquisitive mind. She told Ruth: “Kindness and curiosity leave no room for anger and resentment.”

I think it’s true. If I ponder a work situation where a colleague did something that seemed terribly inappropriate, or a client blew up and offended everyone within earshot, it’s easy to get angry or judge that person harshly. But if I tap into my curiosity first, I have a very different response. What made that colleague choose to act inappropriately? Was she acting out of fear? Was there a misunderstanding? Did she somehow not realize the nature of her action? Was something else going on that I’m not seeing?

And what made that client blow up? Fear is often behind many such outbursts—what might he be afraid of? Or maybe he’s not feeling appreciated, or perhaps there’s a personal calamity in his life that has stretched him to his limits? What don’t I know that might explain his behavior?

As soon as I yield to curiosity and allow for the possibility that there may be something going on that is beyond my awareness, I can replace my reflex response of anger or disgust with a desire to understand and even a desire to help. Curiosity leads to kindness.

“When we aren’t curious in conversations we judge, tell, blame and even shame, often without even knowing it, which leads to conflict.” (Kirsten Siggins)

Curiosity vs. Discipline

In a recent article from the Harvard Business Review—one that I think should be required reading for anyone who manages or supervises other people, or who wants to—Stanford University research psychologist Emma Sepppala, PhD, describes how compassion and curiosity are more effective than frustration and reprimand in responding to an underperforming employee or one who has made a serious mistake.

Traditional, authoritarian management approaches tend to focus on reprimanding, criticizing, even frightening the employee—the rationale being that fear and embarrassment might teach the individual the error of his/her ways. Instead, the research shows, it serves mostly to erode loyalty and trust and to impede creativity and innovation.

A more effective response to an employee’s error or underperformance is to first get our own emotions in control, and then view the situation from the employee’s eyes. Here’s where curiosity comes into play. What caused the mistake or what might be the reason for the poor performance? What is the employee feeling about the error that he made? Chances are he is horrified, embarrassed, and frightened. A kind response—this doesn’t mean overlooking the error, but using it as a teaching or coaching opportunity and doing it compassionately—will engender loyalty, trust, and even devotion. It will also be far more effective than reprimand or punishment in helping the employee avoid such mistakes in the future.

The loyalty engendered by the kind response extends beyond the particular employee you may be dealing with. Seppala notes that “If you are more compassionate to your employee, not only will he or she be more loyal to you, but anyone else who has witnessed your behavior may also experience elevation and feel more devoted to you.”

It makes sense. Everyone makes mistakes, and if our employees see their boss or manager respond kindly to a coworker’s blunder, they can feel secure in the knowledge that when they make a mistake, the response is likely to be similarly compassionate. This fosters a culture of safety, one that encourages innovation, creativity, productivity, and loyalty—these are the qualities that the best and the brightest are seeking for their career homes.

Whoever said “curiosity killed the cat,” had it wrong. Curiosity is one of the most beneficial qualities we can cultivate. Combine it with kindness and magic happens!

“Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” (Tony Schwartz)

Positive Feedback Nets Positive Results (and the converse is also true…)

Posted on May 6, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be. ” (Thomas S. Monson)

Carol’s comment about last week’s “Kindness in the Workplace” post got me to thinking. She noted her experience that treating people with kindness and encouragement brings out their best work. The carrot, she said, is far more effective than the stick.

That recalled my first real job after college. It was my first “9-to-5” office job and it was for a textbook publisher—a small publishing division incongruously owned by a huge publically-traded corporation that had a global presence in technology and defense. The president of our little division was a bully. He motivated—if that’s what you call it—by fear and intimidation. That was about the time that a variety of books on winning through intimidation, looking out for number one, screw the other guy, and nice guys finish last were gaining in popularity. I’m pretty sure he stayed up nights underlining these texts and planning how he was going to terrorize the editorial and sales teams working under him.

My immediate boss trembled at the mere mention of his name, and a call from the “home office”—3000 miles away—always triggered panic. The twice-yearly meetings that brought together staff from all the division’s offices were an opportunity for him to browbeat his employees one-on-one or in small groups. He would berate, belittle, and threaten employees in front of their peers. After a national sales meeting, there was always a spate of resignations—mine was one of those finally. And yet he wondered why the company had high turnover.

I worked with some really good people at that company, and I was sorry to be leaving them when I resigned. But I wasn’t sorry to leave the company, its chief executive, or the pervasive culture of fear and intimidation.

I don’t regret the three years I worked there. I learned a great deal, met a lot of tremendous people, and developed some professional confidence. I also had an opportunity at a very early age to make some decisions about what I would and would not tolerate in my professional life. I vowed to myself that I would not work for another bully, and that I would not be a part of a culture that didn’t value its employees or that relied on threats and intimidation rather than encouragement and support. I don’t think I articulated it at the time, but from that day forward, I sought kind employers and managers, and when it was my turn to step into the employer/manager role, I sought to be kind and encouraging. I don’t think I always succeeded, but it was my intent.

Last week, I mentioned Lance Secretan’s books on leadership as being ones that addressed leading with kindness and compassion. D. Michael Abrashoff—a former Naval commander—has written a couple of great books that also approach leadership from a positive and compassionate perspective. In It’s Your Ship, he describes how he took over command of the USS Benfold—positioned dead last in naval rankings—and, in partnership with its crew, quickly turned it around to be deemed “the best damn ship in the Navy.” It’s an inspiring story, and a great lesson in leadership.

One of Commander Abrashoff’s guiding principles was to empower and support his people. He said, “I prefer to build myself up by strengthening others and helping them feel good about their jobs and themselves. When that happens, their work improves, and my own morale leaps.”

He further noted of his shipmates and crew, “The more I thanked them for hard work, the harder they worked. The payoff in morale was palpable. I’m absolutely convinced that positive, personal reinforcement is the essence of effective leadership.”

His next book bore the great title, Get Your Ship Together, and it was a collection of case studies of successful businesses—ones that achieved their success through various means of positive personal reinforcement..

In neither book does Abrashoff diminish the need for criticism or discipline, but shows how it can be applied firmly, fairly, and with compassion—and to great result.

We All Need Feedback

Feedback isn’t always going to be positive—we’d never learn or improve if it was. But any manager or leader who thinks a steady stream of negative feedback will motivate employees and make them eager to improve is woefully misguided. Professor Kim Cameron (no relation, but coincidentally, I do have a sister named Kim Cameron) of the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan asserts that both positive and negative feedback are essential, but that effective motivation requires a ratio skewed heavily to the positive. He reports that high-performance teams demonstrate a positive statement ratio of 5.6-to-1 vs. low performance teams which exhibit a positive to negative ratio of 0.36 to 1.

Expanding Dr. Cameron’s research beyond just the business world, what if we apply his findings and ratio to family settings, and friends, and our day-to-day interactions with all our planet-mates? What would happen if each of us committed to a personal goal of making six positive comments for every one negative remark. That would make for either a very positive world … or a very quiet one. Either way, it’s an improvement.

“Invent your world. Surround yourself with people, color, sounds, and work that nourish you.” – Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (Sark)

Kindness in the Workplace

Posted on April 29, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“The common mistake that bullies make is assuming that because someone is nice that he or she is weak. Those traits have nothing to do with each other. In fact, it takes considerable strength and character to be a good person.” (Mary Elizabeth Williams)

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a lot of books about business, management, and leadership. A lot. Probably enough to fill a good-sized bookcase. Many I purchased; many were given to me by authors who wanted to introduce me to their ideas in hopes that I would hire them to speak at a client conference. I haven’t read them all, but I’ve read quite a few, and I’ve started many more but never gotten past the first few chapters.

I’ve been leafing through them over the last few weeks and have been disappointed—though though not surprised—to see that words like kindness and compassion are mostly absent. Even the books that approach leadership in refreshing and enlightened ways: The Art of Supportive Leadership, Love and Profit—The Art of Caring Leadership, Leadership Jazz, Leading Change, Leading with Soul…. They’re all good books with good ideas, and good intentions, but the authors don’t seem to see kindness as an important element of leadership. It baffles me.

It’s as if kindness is too weak and nebulous a concept to be put forth in a serious book about business. There were a few exceptions and those books happened to be not only the ones that I read all the way through, but often they were the ones that I have read several times and highlighted extensively. Notable among these were Lance Secretan’s excellent books, Reclaiming Higher Ground and Inspirational Leadership.

I can’t think of many places more in need of kindness than the business world and the American workplace. Or many places where kindness would make such a difference. I have to assume that there are business books that address the importance of kindness in the workplace, and I just haven’t come across them yet. I hope someone will point them out to me.

Several years ago, one of our company’s long-time employees retired. At the retirement party we held for her, she said the word she would use to describe the company if she were asked was “kind.” I remember thinking at the time that I could think of no word I would rather hear used to describe our company.

Oh, sure, I want us to be daringly innovative and wildly profitable, but even above these qualities, I want us to be kind. Since that day when Margaret labeled our company’s defining trait, I think we have been more conscious of that value and more committed to it. Kindness was always modeled by our company’s founder, Lynn Melby, and as each subsequent partner joined the ownership team, we implicitly accepted kindness as one of our personal values, and we continued to cultivate kindness along the way. That’s not to say we haven’t slipped occasionally. We’re human, after all, and the business world can, at times, challenge the kindest intentions.

It isn’t easy to always be kind in business, and there may be times when kindness is well-disguised, but if the underlying culture is kind, the intention generally shines through. Whether we are interviewing, training, correcting, or even terminating an employee, we do our utmost to approach it kindly—using empathy and compassion. In client or vendor situations, likewise, when problems arise we look for solutions that are fair and respectful to all. Where we have perhaps failed is in keeping clients too long that don’t share our values. Clients who don’t practice kindness themselves. Clients that don’t want to pay for the services they receive, or who put the blame on others for mistakes they make, or who ask us to bend our integrity on their behalf.

Choosing Integrity

A few years ago, after a large conference, a couple of our staff noticed that the hotel had missed a sizable food and beverage charge on the bill. The client’s convention chair directed them to pay the bill quickly and not point out the error. Our staff followed their consciences rather than his instructions. They pointed out the error to the hotel and asked for a corrected bill. The chairman was not happy.

In doing this, our team not only did the right thing, but also modeled our values to our client and to their office colleagues. The longer I am in business, the more certain I am that success lies in working with people—employees, clients, suppliers, business partners—who share our values.

Unkind people can learn to be kind, just as dishonest people can learn to be honest. But if they choose not to value those traits it is probably because beneath it all they believe that others are just as unkind or dishonest as they are. Our job, then, is to decide whether to work with such people. If they are likely to change, we should give them that chance, but if they are unlikely to, we should seek our business partners elsewhere.

There’s so much more to be said about kindness in business and in the workplace. What has been your experience of kindness (or its absence) in business? Please share your thoughts below. Maybe we can start a dialogue.

“We live under the illusion that organizations are ‘them’ when, in reality, they are ‘us.’ If we wish to work in evolved organizations, we must each be the first to start the journey.” (Lance Secretan)

What a Wonderful World

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.” (Chief Seattle, 1854)

It would be unkind of me to refer to the governor and bureaucrats of a certain Southern state (think orange juice and Mickey Mouse) as nincompoops.

What is the kind response in the face of people who say or believe things that defy reason? In Florida—a state critically susceptible to the effects of rising sea-levels—state officials have banned the use of the terms “climate change,” “global warming,” or “sustainability” in any official communications, emails, or reports. How does one engage in intelligent discussion about weighty issues if forbidden to use the vocabulary of the subject?

It’s not just Florida. There are countless policy-makers and bureaucrats who deny an overwhelming body of evidence that our planet is in jeopardy. Who still express opinions along the lines of: “climate change hasn’t been proved,” and the oft-repeated Ronald Reagan statement, “Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.”

What’s the kind response? It isn’t to call the politicians and bureaucrats idiots, or portray them as ostriches with their heads in the sand. That further polarizes the issue. Those who hold opposing positions on environmental issues dig in their heels, and those who are still neutral don’t want to align with either side—zealots being exhausting companions.

Civil dialogue is essential. Dialogue that explores the issues, assesses evidence, examines options and outcomes, and respects disagreement. Dialogue where we assume one another’s good intent. It’s not going to work if participants engage in name-calling, hyperbole, or insolence, or if essential words or concepts are disallowed.

I’ve deliberately avoided being political on this blog, as tempting as it can be at times to take a cheap shot at a clueless politician (and there are so many of them—of all political stripes). There may be some who interpret a posting focused on the environment as taking a political stand. Well, heck, tomorrow is Earth Day and if my kindness can’t extend to the planet that sustains me then I’m blogging on the wrong subject … or maybe the wrong planet.

Earth Day-Dreams

The first Earth Day was held on April 22, 1970, to address rising concerns about air pollution, pesticide use, water quality, and endangered species. Forty-five years later, we face many of the same concerns. Some problems have improved, many have become more complex and more dire. The world’s population was 3.7 billion people in 1970; today it’s estimated to be 7.2 billion—almost double. And we don’t always tread lightly.

That first Earth Day led to the creation of the United States Environmental Protection Agency and the passage of the Clean Air, Clean Water and Endangered Species Acts. Those acts have achieved a lot. But not enough.

On an individual level, millions of people have changed their habits since 1970—we recycle, we avoid pesticides, we compost. It is making a difference. But it’s discouraging to see that corporate pollution is still brazen, many policy-makers still deny the problem, and many of our fellow humans just don’t seem to care. Some scientists warn that we are approaching a tipping point—a point of no return—if we continue to pretend that human activities can’t hurt our planet, and if we continue to pretend it’s not our problem.

The Earth Day Network estimates that more than a billion people in 192 countries will participate in Earth Day activities tomorrow. This year’s Earth Day theme is “It’s our turn to lead,” encouraging everyday citizens from all walks of life to use their voices to encourage global leaders to take action on climate change, the environment, and the connection between poverty and climate change.

As I explore kindness, I have to think about more than just kindness to people, or to myself, or to animals. It feels like the ultimate unkindness to ignore the Earth and allow our short-sightedness to damage the planet beyond repair and put our own species—as well as countless others—in jeopardy. If there’s anything we owe the generations that follow us, it’s a healthy planet and sustainable practices. Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day?

I believe that at least part of the solution is to be found in kindness. Acknowledging where there is disagreement and agreeing to seek solutions without name-calling, histrionics, or political posturing. If we adults cannot do it, let it be a children’s crusade. On this subject, they seem to be far more rational and tolerant. Who better to educate adults about the consequences of their actions than those who will suffer or benefit from the decisions we make now?

Lest I get too preachy, I want to conclude by thinking about ways to celebrate Earth Day—perhaps activities that can extend beyond a day and become standard practices or habits. Here’s what comes to my mind—what else can you think of?

Sign up for a volunteer project—cleaning up a stream, planting trees, beautifying a park….
Check with your waste management company to be sure you know everything you can recycle and how best to do it—a lot of those rules are changing.
Spend some time outdoors—walk along the beach, hike the hills, go to a park (and pick up any trash you encounter) … or just enjoy your backyard.
Register with dmachoice .org or catalogchoice .org to reduce the unwanted catalogues you receive—it saves trees and you won’t be inundated with catalogues that insist you need stuff you really don’t need.
Think before you print out emails or unnecessary reports at work.
Remember to bring your reusable bags when you shop.
Make plans to plant a vegetable or herb garden this spring.
Look into composting if you aren’t already doing it.
Reduce or eliminate pesticide use in your garden.
Plant a tree. Or two.
Do some of your shopping at your local farmers’ market.
Make a donation to an environmental cause you feel strongly about.
Take shorter showers—or, better yet, shower or bathe with your sweetie.
Ride a bike, walk, or use public transportation in place of driving when possible.

We don’t have to do them all. Just pick one or two, and when they become habits, pick another couple. Everything we do or choose not to do—large or small—makes a difference.

Extending kindness to the Earth is the same as extending it to our friends, our families, and ourselves. And while kindness is something we give with no other motive, and no expectations of return, the kindness we offer our planet will come back to us ten-fold: in clean, healthy air, clear and refreshing water, the shade of stately trees, and the bounty of our food. Like so many other things related to kindness, it only requires that we be mindful.

What are you doing for Earth Day? Have a fabulous day. It is a wonderful world.

“I do not think the measure of a civilization is how tall its buildings of concrete are, but rather how well its people have learned to relate to their environment and fellow man.” (Sun Bear of the Chippewa Tribe)

Kindness and Generosity – Offering Our Unique Gifts

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Donna Cameron

“Generosity brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something. And we experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given.” (Gautama Buddha)

A few posts ago, I wrote about the connection between kindness and a sense of abundance. The logical next step when one’s view of the world is of abundance rather than scarcity is to express that abundance through generosity.

I have been blessed to be the recipient of so much generosity throughout my life—from my friends, my professional colleagues, my family, and even strangers. Their generosity is expressed through the wisdom they so willingly share, through their time, their thoughtful actions, and their kind words.

When we think of generosity, our first thoughts are likely of material gifts or donations of cash, and, of course, these are elemental expressions of generosity, but they aren’t our only gifts.

The Three T’s

There’s an adage in the non-profit world that board members need to be willing to give the three T’s: Time, Talent, and Treasure. Treasure is usually interpreted in monetary terms—especially for charitable and philanthropic non-profits. If board members won’t donate to the cause, it’s hard to convince others to do so. Hence, grant applications will often ask if 100 percent of the board has made a donation to the organization. Boards with “high-rollers” can usually easily answer yes, but if members of the board are part of the constituency the organization serves, there may be some who have little to spare in the treasure department. That’s why applications don’t ask how much board members have donated, only if they have. A $10 donation from someone who may have to skip a meal to make that donation is just as important—perhaps more so—than the $50,000 donation from a corporate CEO.

Being generous with our talent asks only that we are willing to share what we do best, whether that’s fundraising, marketing, budgeting, schmoozing, or baking cupcakes. Each of us has unique talents and part of the job of being human is recognizing them and sharing them where they are most needed.

Generosity of time is an essential element in non-profits and elsewhere. As we have explored in an earlier post, we are often so pressed for time, so overscheduled, that we blow off opportunities to extend kindness. Or maybe we don’t even see them in our rush to meet so many deadlines. Generosity with our time when time is limited can be a kindness beyond measure—especially if we are able to give without conveying to the recipient our stress or our inconvenience.

Other Ways to Be Generous

Beyond the three T’s, there are a multitude of other ways we can be generous:

We can be generous in deed: It can be as simple as holding a door for someone, helping to carry a heavy load, or offering a hand. It might be bringing freshly-baked bread to a neighbor or washing someone else’s dirty dishes without grousing. There are so many generous deeds we can offer—big and small—and mostly it’s a matter of training our eyes to look for them.

We can be generous of word: It doesn’t take much to make someone’s day with a kind word. Mark Twain famously said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Of course, he is also reported to have said: “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough.” Both quotes show how powerful a sincerely expressed compliment can be. And the wonderful thing is that they’re easy! We can compliment someone on the great service they provided, or the astuteness of an observation, a well-written report, or how their smile brightens a room. All we have to do is pay attention.

We can be generous of spirit: The Buddhist practice of metta, often translated as lovingkindness, teaches practitioners to repeat phrases—aimed first at oneself, then loved ones, then acquaintances and strangers, and finally even to adversaries. The phrases express a wish for happiness, for safety, peace, freedom from pain, and so forth. In offering metta to people with whom we share conflict or difficulties, people who have hurt or angered us, we are, says Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg, “recognizing our essential interconnectedness.” Salzberg notes that in offering metta to a difficult person, we are not condoning bad or hurtful actions. “Instead, we are looking deeply into our hearts and discovering a capacity for lovingkindness that is not dependent on circumstances and personalities.” We are expressing generosity not only to others but to ourselves. That capacity for compassion is our gift to the world.

If we can give nothing else, let us at least give the benefit of the doubt. This is easier to do with family and friends than with mere acquaintances and strangers. If a friend or loved one says something that we find hurtful, it’s usually easy to excuse—“that wasn’t how she meant it to come out,” “I know he’s been under a lot of pressure; he didn’t really mean it.” Why can’t we offer that same understanding to strangers when they say or do something questionable or hurtful? Instead, we generally ascribe the worst motives and label them jerks.

In our office, we continually remind ourselves to “assume one another’s good intent.” A simple statement, but enormously powerful. If I ruled the world (a frightening thought if there ever was one), I’d have the phrase, “we assume one another’s good intent” printed at the top of every meeting agenda and posted on the wall of every room where people gather. It all comes down to the simple generosity of giving the benefit of the doubt to everyone we encounter.

Generosity isn’t just something we do for someone else. When I choose to act generously, the greatest beneficiary is always myself. There is no better expression of the abundance in my life, nor of the confidence that I not only have enough, I am enough. Giving creates a joyful sense of oneness with my world and my fellow creatures.

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” (Anne Frank)

A Year of Living Kindly

adventures in trying to live a life of kindness

Tag Archives: Kindness