If we want to experience joy this season, we need to stop keeping score in our relationships. I wrote and posted a message last January that seems especially relevant now, with the holidays upon us. Keeping score is the fastest way to assure disappointment and resentment. Click here to travel back in time and read the original post.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” (James Baldwin)
Soon we’ll be confronting one of the biggest tests our country has ever faced. We must heal from the wounds we have inflicted upon one another over the last many months. I have to believe that we as a nation can meet this challenge with wisdom and grace.
But I worry.
This year’s election has been the most angry and divisive that I can recall. Sure, there have been many rancorous presidential elections—when the Vietnam War was a dividing issue, or when differing views on the economy, civil rights, or the environment separated us. There have been elections whose outcomes I cheered, and some I deeply lamented. To be perfectly honest, we have elected presidents whose words, positions, or behaviors made me cringe, and I know that some of the presidents I liked and respected the most made other good people cringe. Maybe that’s a cynical definition of democracy: we support the will of the majority even if at times it makes us cringe. And we continue to work within the system to advocate for what we believe to be right, to be best for our country, and to be best for the future of our children and for the world.
This year, though, I worry that whatever the outcome, it will be extremely difficult to bring us all together. The wounds inflicted have been deep, and bitter feelings abound. These may not be as easy to sweep away as the remnants of political puffery that have been bombarding our mail boxes. In addition, there appears to be a small faction of people who desire to foment a wider divide and deeper rancor—they will oppose reconciliation efforts, supporting an agenda that proliferates in darkness and discord.
Most of the people I know—including myself—have strong feelings about who they want (and don’t want) to see occupying the White House next January. No matter what the outcome, a lot of people are going to be disappointed on November 9. Will those people be able to accept their candidate’s loss and move on to pursue unity as a nation? Equally important, will those on the prevailing side be able to win with grace? Can they understand the pain of losing, even if they may never have understood support for the losing candidate? Can they resist the impulse to gloat, or to smirk, or even to indulge in a happy dance of relief? Winning graciously will not be easy. There will undoubtedly be people on both sides who have no desire to model civility. But we must remember that our children will be watching and learning from how adults respond—whether to victory or to defeat. That responsibility is one we must take very seriously.
We have to ask ourselves now, before we know the outcome of the election: Do we want a united country? Are we still capable of coming together to productively and positively address the complex issues that have divided us: equality, poverty, violence, the environment, economic and social equity, foreign relations, infrastructure, education, health care, and so much more? Of course, we will not agree on how to address these issues, but can we agree to seek civil solutions and respectful engagement? If we focus on what’s best about our country and the values that have been our foundation for nearly 250 years, perhaps we can overcome the schism of the last 18 months.
On November 9, can we take a day, or maybe two, to mourn our loss or quietly celebrate our victory and then come together humbly, without rancor or righteousness, and pledge to be a people united in our commitment to justice, equality, and opportunity for all?
We are Americans. We can do this.
“Speak only if it improves upon the silence” (Mahatma Gandhi)
“For it is in giving that we receive.” (Francis of Assisi)
I first came across this information a few months ago. Of course, I wanted to write a blog post about it right away—this is big news, after all—but I quickly discovered that making it tasteful and appropriate was something of a challenge. Perhaps because the first words I wrote were, “Woo-hoo!”
Then there was the question of a heading for the post. I came up with several and rejected them all—not quite the image YOLK has been cultivating:
Upon further reflection, I realized that it would be a service—a downright benevolent act—to share this news with readers, and might contribute a fraction to reaching the tipping point that will ultimately change the world from selfish, self-absorbed, and indifferent to kind, caring, involved…and frisky.
If we are to believe Freud (and we have no particular reason to do so—he seems to have been something of a whack-job), sex is the great motivator for humans. Thus, the news from Canadian researchers that people who are altruistic have more sex and more sexual partners might grab the attention of some—particularly college students and men of any age who collect comic books and still live in their parents’ basement.
In an article entitled, “Altruism Predicts Mating Success in Humans,” Canadian psychologist Steven Arnocky reports that, all else being equal, “altruists are more attractive than non-altruists,” and “this may translate into real mating success.”
Reporting in the British Journal of Psychology, Arnocky and his colleagues from Nipissing University, Ontario, describe two studies showing that participants who demonstrated generosity and altruism “were more desirable to the opposite sex, as well as reported having more sex partners, more casual sex partners, and having sex more often within relationships.”
Arnocky and his colleagues explain this phenomenon by noting that altruistic behavior is what biologists refer to as a “costly signal” — it requires some effort, but also trumpets one’s most attractive characteristics to potential partners (think of the male peacock). This conveys to potential mates that the prospect will not only be kind and generous in general, but also in the bedroom. That’s a pretty potent incentive.
Arnocky further notes that this dynamic seems to take place in our subconscious, resulting in natural selection that rewards the kindest and most altruistic among us, replicating that quality in future generations. It may seem hard to imagine, given the incivility that surrounds us today, but let’s grasp at straws and begin imagining that kind and generous people are smiling for reasons beyond their compassion. And those blustering, bullying narcissists are to be pitied not just for their limiting mind-set, but also their shortcomings in the romance department.
I’ve been writing about the benefits of kindness for nearly two years: health benefits, wealth advantages, improved relationships, greater life satisfaction, personal and professional success…. The different benefits will hold varying appeal to people for assorted reasons. This latest benefit might attract the attention of those who have yet to become believers in kindness. And for the rest of us, it’s one more good reason to always choose kindness. Woo-hoo!
Follow @DonnaJCameron“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” (Mary Schmich)
“Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.” (Emanuel Swedenborg)
Snohomish Shoe Tree
A few years ago, seated around a luncheon table at a business meeting, I tuned into a conversation among my table-mates. A woman whom I knew only barely was describing with unconcealed pride the electronic filing system she had created some years before to track Christmas cards.
She described an elaborate program which maintained both a database of names and addresses, and a spreadsheet: “Everyone on my Christmas card list is in there, and when I get cards, I note in my spreadsheet having received them. I can even indicate whether they merely signed the card, whether it was a holiday letter, or whether they included a personal note. After the holidays, I review the list and remove anyone who didn’t send a card, so next year they won’t get one from me.”
I remember thinking at the time that this puts my own obsessive-compulsive tendencies into manageable perspective. I also remember thinking I was glad I was nothing more than a nodding acquaintance with this woman—I didn’t like the notion of being tracked on her spreadsheet. Actually, since I don’t send Christmas cards, I wouldn’t ever have made the cut to begin with.
I’ve thought about that conversation occasionally and realized what I am most uncomfortable with is the notion of keeping score.
Anyone who follows sports knows keeping score is essential. Guys don’t get paid many millions of dollars for romping aimlessly around on the field with other millionaires. They get paid for competing fiercely, and they get paid more for winning.
Likewise, Scrabble, cribbage and dominoes probably aren’t as enjoyable if we agree before playing that we’re not going to keep score. It’s good to have a goal, and healthy competition can make a game more fun.
But relationships are not competitions—nobody wins unless everybody wins.
At the heart of kindness is the idea that we act kindly not for any reward but for the joy it gives us, and out of the knowledge that it is the expression of our highest and best self. If we withhold our kindness until someone proves worthy, or until they meet some standard we have arbitrarily set, aren’t we being pretty small?
I suppose we all keep score to some degree. In a couple, one partner may wash the dishes while the other does the laundry. In a friendship, we each do what we are best able to do and hope it all balances out. The danger comes when one or both of the parties sets up that spreadsheet in their head (or worse, on their computer!).
Nobody wants to be taken advantage of and friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, but relationships are complex things. They can’t be broken down into “I called him last; it’s his turn to call me,” or “We entertained at our house last time; it’s their turn to have us over.” We never know what’s going on in other people’s lives that may make it difficult for them to reciprocate. As with so many things, a kind interpretation invites us to give the benefit of the doubt.
If a relationship is so one-sided that one party does all the giving and the other does all the taking, it’s absolutely reasonable to ask if this really is a relationship, and if it brings joy or satisfaction. And it’s absolutely okay to decide this is no longer working and sever the connection. We’ve talked about it before: being kind doesn’t mean one is a pushover or an easy target. Kindness is a strength, not a weakness.
Has keeping score ever really made anyone feel better? As soon as we start keeping score in our relationships, joy vanishes. Friendships become obligations, we’re always checking to see who’s ahead or whose turn it is to pick up the tab.
When we do something for someone that should be enough. We give without expectation of receiving something in return. No strings attached. We need to let go of the internal ledger on which we record “that’s one for me, zero for her.”
I’m finding as I get older, I’m drawn to lightening my load—getting rid of the stuff that crowds my life (this is difficult, as I believe members of my family carry a hoarder gene). I want to lighten the load I carry in my head, too: let go of thoughts that don’t bring joy, let go of tallies and ledgers, and concerns about whose turn it is. Magically, that also frees my head of resentment, grudges, and disappointment.
If we’re accustomed to keeping score in our relationships—whether it’s with our spouse, close friends, work colleagues, or those marginal people on our Christmas card list, how do we alter that habit of mentally reckoning every interaction we have? Like any habit, it’s probably hard to break, but I’m guessing that if we keep our eyes on the real prize—peace of mind, happiness, and the joy that comes with kindness—we’ll gradually do less scorekeeping and find that we’re spending more time counting our blessings.
“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” (Ray Bradbury)
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” (Martha Graham)
A large element of kindness is giving—perhaps money, perhaps time. And being able to give without thoughts of getting in return is certainly essential to a kind life. However, there may be times when neither time nor money are available to us. Does that mean we cannot still be generous … or kind?
Au contraire! We can always be kind. There are countless ways to be kind that don’t require investments of time or money. They are not without some effort, though. Here are a few that come to mind. Some are self-explanatory, such as:
Other little-time-no-cost expressions of kindness invite us to delve deeper into their meaning:
Of course, there are still many kindnesses that ask us to open not just our hearts, but also our wallets, and ask us to commit our time as well as our intentions. It’s rarely an either/or. When our hearts are open we will do what we can, recognizing that we offer the best of who we are when we choose kindness.
“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” (John Wooden)
A Year of Living Kindly 