Tag Archives: Unkindness

A Time of Reflection

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“When you change the way you see people, your experience of people changes.” ~Nic Askew

DSCN3372This time of year makes me contemplative, and perhaps this year more so than ever: summer giving way to fall, another year speeding toward its conclusion, a pandemic that continually asserts its presence, and a sense that so many big things hang in the balance—democracy, planetary survival, even civility. While these are all issues I can take action on, I must also acknowledge that my individual efforts likely have little effect on the outcome. It doesn’t help that as I write this, the air in Seattle is heavy with smoke from wildfires in the central and eastern parts of our state, and from fires ravaging our northern neighbor, British Columbia.

So, I seek what others have to teach me. I search my bookshelves and even the internet to see how people wiser than I are navigating these unsettled times. This week, I found comfort, inspiration, and a few chuckles in a New York Times article on Matthieu Ricard, the Buddhist monk, author, and humanitarian who is often referred to as “the world’s happiest man” (this title was bestowed as a result of his brain’s chart-topping production of gamma waves). Ricard is also a close ally of the Dalai Lama and was for many years his French interpreter.

The article, “The ‘World’s Happiest Man’ Shares His Three Rules for Life,”* held some surprises. While Ricard says, “I cannot imagine feeling hate or wanting someone to suffer,” he also acknowledges that Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad are “the scum of humanity.” And he recognizes the cruelty, indifference, and greed of Donald Trump. In fact, he goes so far as to say these men “are walking psychopaths, … they have no heart.” Continue reading →

Withholding Judgment Puts Us on the Path to Kindness

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“We do not actually know other people; we only know our judgments.” ~Bryant McGill

pink lupine 2 5-23Last time, in our review of kindness essentials, we talked about one of the most important kindness skills: learning to pause before reacting or responding. Today, let’s explore a couple of complementary skills, things we can do (or not do) in that all-important pause.

When was the last time you made a judgment about somebody? For me, it was about an hour ago, at the supermarket. I try not to, but sometimes, when somebody appears to be entirely clueless, unaware that they’re sharing crowded spaces with other people, I find myself making assumptions about them. I’m getting better, but I still do it occasionally.

I don’t know if it’s natural instinct or habit, but we humans are quick to judge. Social scientists say that we make judgments about people within about five seconds of encountering them. That means we’re not basing our judgments on a lot of evidence. We often judge people for the way they look, or talk, or dress. When someone changes lanes in front of us without signaling, we decide they’re a careless driver, and a jerk. When someone blocks our way in the dill pickle aisle at Kroger’s and then glares at us when we try to pass, we label them inconsiderate and selfish. When someone makes an ill-chosen comment, we decide that they’re ignorant, bigoted, and surely the enemy. Continue reading →

A Pause Gives Us the Gift of Grace

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“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Victor Frankl

DSCN3073In recent weeks, we’ve reviewed the many benefits of kindness: health, relationships, life satisfaction, professional and business success, to name just a few. And we’ve talked about factors that can get in the way of our best kind intentions, including fear, time, apathy, obliviousness, and keeping score.

Let’s revisit the good stuff now, the skills of kindness—practices we can add to our daily lives to expand the kindness around us. Most of the skills to extending kindness and countering unkindness are pretty simple . . . but that doesn’t mean they’re always easy. They take practice. Kindness can’t be turned on and off like a faucet. It’s something we develop with practice—just as we improve in playing tennis or the saxophone.

A great way to think about the skills we’ll be exploring over the coming weeks is to see them as tools in our toolbox, or—using a more high-tech analogy—as apps we can download and call upon when needed.

For today, let’s look at a skill that sounds simple, but is tough in practice: learning to pause.

When we’re insulted or disrespected, we often respond in a knee-jerk fashion. We sling an insult right back, or we say something that we hope will put the offender in their place. It’s an automatic reaction, and it takes some effort not to succumb to it. But there are a few excellent reasons not to: Continue reading →

Removing Roadblocks

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“When your mind changes, the world changes. When we respond differently to the world, the world responds differently to us.” ~Mojo Sam

I’m trying to find a way to work an audacious understatement into today’s post, but really, there’s no connection. So, instead, I’ll briefly detour and congratulate the folks at Elon Musk’s SpaceX for quick thinking. When their next-generation Starship rocket blew up shortly after take-off on April 20, they were swift to admonish unimaginative journalists for calling it an explosion. No, the SpaceX geniuses corrected, it was a “rapid, unscheduled disassembly.” If there is a Cooperstown for euphemism, this one will get in on the first vote.

Now, back to kindness….

DSCN3280Previous posts explored two big barriers to kindness, time and fear. Let’s look at a few other obstacles that get in the way:

Being oblivious. We miss a lot of opportunities to extend a kindness or even receive one by not being present. By being glued to the petite screen of a smart phone or tablet. Or by being so wrapped up in our own internal drama that we simply don’t notice other people—the person behind us whom we fail to hold the door for, the driver trying to merge onto the highway, the co-worker frazzled by a deadline we could help them meet…. Be that person who pays attention, who puts down the phone and offers a hand or a word of encouragement. Continue reading →

There’s Always Time for Kindness

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“Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind.” ~Henri Frederic Amiel

DSCN0820We talked earlier about how fear seems to be the biggest and most common barrier to both giving and receiving kindness. But it’s not the only one.

Time is another big factor. We’re all overscheduled and overwhelmed. You wouldn’t think that should make a difference, but it does. In recent years, when I’ve spoken to groups and conferences about kindness, someone often comes up to me afterward and says, “I really would like to be kinder, but I’m just so busy. I don’t have time.”

I get that. Because it can take time to extend kindness. Continue reading →